Satire City, ISS – On its maiden voyage (Maiden voyage motto – What could go wrong?), the Boeing Starliner space capsule managed to limp to the International Space Station (ISS) where it has stranded two astronauts.
According to Boeing’s chief design engineer Crash N. Bern, “On its way to the ISS, the Starliner capsule experienced numerous structural anomalies such as helium leaks and the malfunction of 5 of its 18 power thrusters.
“What does that mean in layman’s terms?”
“Basically, it’s the automobile equivalent of three tires falling off, the radiator hose blowing out and a piston shooting through the engine block.”
“Sounds bad.”
“Yeah, it is, and to make matters worse, The ISS’s HOA is fining them $1000 a day for having a junked car parked in their driveway.”
According to the ISS night manager, “We didn’t even know they were coming! They just showed up ! One night we all got jolted awake when their capsule crash landed on our docking station! They didn’t bring us food, candy or a nice bottle of wine. Nothing! They only thing they gave us was this sob story about how they got stuck in a solar storm, that their capsule broke down and then they asked if they could come in to use the phone and call for help… that was three months ago!! Since then, the two of them have been watching sports on our TV, sleeping on our couches, piling up their laundry and dirty dishes and drinking all our Tang! I’d say they overstayed their welcome, but they weren’t welcome in the first place!”
The tension on the ISS got so bad that reportedly, the resident Russian cosmonauts tricked the unwanted house guests into making a spacewalk to check on the “left handed swizzle capacitor” then promptly locked them out. Several hours later after hearing the incessant knocking and seeing their teary, bulging eyes, the soft-hearted Canadians let them back in.
In the meantime, back on earth, all efforts are being made to rescue the stranded astronauts. After Uber and Lyft refused requests to pick them up, the President of Boeing (who has changed their name and pronouns three times since the beginning of this debacle) tweeted:
“If only someone could send up a capsule to save the astronauts…”.
To which, SpaceX promptly replied with three cricket emojis.
The most useful response on the thread came from Tim’s Automart – the biggest used car dealer in all of Saskatchewan, which has generously offered to send a “gently used” 1975 Ford Pinto to pick up the stranded astronauts, figuring it couldn’t be any worse than their current ride…
Boeing is considering their offer and has admitted that if the astronauts tried to return to earth in the broken down Starliner capsule, “there is a chance they would freeze to death, unless of course they end up burning to death.” But Boeing has assured us that the far more likely scenario is that the capsule will just spontaneously burst into flames while still parked outside the ISS.
Boeing is SO desperate to retrieve the astronauts that in this secretly obtained telephone call transcript, they asked Elon Musk if he could “please” help.
Musk: Pretty please….
Boeing: Pretty please…
Musk: Pretty, pretty please…
Boeing: Pretty, pretty please…
Musk: Pretty, pretty please with sugar on top…
Boeing: Are you really going to make us beg ? Are you going to make us grovel?
Musk: I haven’t decided yet. Which would you find more humiliating?
