Satire City, OH – Last week a train wreck disaster of epic proportions unfolded in the pre-existing disaster area that is Appalachia.
According to the railway spokesman, Charles R. Megeddin, whose preferred proper noun is “Choo-Choo Chuck”.
“We were transporting perfectly harmless materials, Y’know, baby formula, a roomy, clean and well-ventilated box of homeless kittens, when certainly through no fault of my own or the 150 year old tracks, the train just inexplicably went off the rails.”
“Then how do you explain the cloud of toxic gas banned by the Geneva convention spewing from the wreck?”
“Oh, yeah, oh that. Well, we were definitely not carrying hazardous toxic gas on the train. No sirree Bob! We had to make that toxic gas by setting fire to perfectly harmless vinyl chloride . Everyone loves vinyl! It sounds so much better than CDs or mp3s…” he said as his voice trailed off and he started coughing up blood and pieces of flesh.
“Also how do you explain the explosion- the flash of light, the mushroom cloud?”
“Oh yeah, oh that. Well, we were definitely not carrying any explosives on the train. No sirree Barbara! By some funny coincidence two adjacent train cars just happened to be carrying half the critical mass of Uranium 235 followed by a third car carrying a full load of Plutonium.
“When they all crashed into each other, well – Holy Hiroshima !!!”
FEMA officials from Washington DC first arrived on the scene just 3 hours after the crash and were horrified to see thousands of glassy eyed local residents staggering around aimlessly under the mushroom cloud of toxic gas, groaning, mumbling, or yelling in staccato bursts of incomprehensible gibberish- many had no shoes and no teeth – all wearing nothing but tattered dirty rags.
The young boys had varying degrees of hair loss. Possibly from radiation exposure- mostly along the sides of their heads. The girls were barefoot and had protruding bellies – possibly tumors from exposure to carcinogens…
The horrified officials were shocked at how quickly the train disaster brought about a zombie apocalypse.
Then they were informed by a local interpreter that what they were seeing was not a zombie apocalypse, it was in fact, the inhabitants of Appalachia in their natural state.
Drunk, stoned, dirty, poor, fat and pregnant.
Considering that they were also ignorant and completely dependent on government subsidies, the democratic officials should have been happy to be in the company of their core constituency.
Instead, they were horrified to be surrounded by a sea of American flags and Trump bumper stickers on the backs of rusty, old domestic pick-up trucks.
One official, covering his rainbow flag emblem, backed away slowly, reached for his smart phone and began to live stream the scene which played out like a horror movie, to his same sex, non-binary, gender non-conforming, vegan, gluten-free significant other.
“Alejandro… Did you know there was anything between DC and Las Vegas ?” The video screen panned across the dilapidated shacks with toothless 40-year-old elderly people in rocking chairs on the porches and junkyards as front yards… “Check this s^*t out !! It’s a place called Ohio!! ”
Another federal official ran to greet a group of wonderfully diverse faces emerging from an underground elevator, until he was informed that they were not black, but were the few remaining coal miners who had not yet been rendered unemployed by his administration.
The triggered official swiftly cuffed and charged the soot-covered black-faced coal miners with a federal hate crime.
Meanwhile the EPA was busy scooping up buckets full of dead, glowing, three-headed fish and declaring the water “safe – as it ever was” to drink.
Annoyed at how these American citizens in need, in America, just wasted the time and resources of the federal government, the officials rounded up the entire town and lectured the desperately poor, illiterate, ignorant, inbred, toothless, drug-addicted local residents about their white privilege.
The Feds also informed them they were not entitled to any federal relief funds, because the train explosion, toxic gas cloud and nuclear fallout didn’t appear to cause any noticeable harm to their community.
On the plus side, they could reapply for limited federal aid if they declare themselves to be a BIPOC, illegal immigrant, transgender sanctuary state or apply for “unlimited blank check” federal aid if they just say they are Ukrainians fighting Russians.
