Satire City University, CA – Gender activists have recently come out against the injustice of assigning gender to ancient skeletal remains.
Says “Pat” who has no last name (because they are a tool of the patriarchy) and has no preferred pronoun because he was so exhausted from trying to choose between his 60+ choices of gender… “I have SO many problems with the so-called science of Anthropology.”
“First they stomp around in their unfashionable muddy boots on land that is not theirs, then they dig and desecrate the resting place of an indigenous person. Then they touch said indigenous person’s bones without their consent, then they decide what race and gender the person was. It’s so, so Nazi-like. It’s frightening ! Id’ say Anthropology owes us an Apology !!”
He then snapped his fingers, clicked his heels and stretched out his arm – to pull back the curtain and reveal 1000 screaming brown shirted college students outside the building repetitively and rhythmically chanting “Anthropology owes us an Apology !!”
After being gently reminded that the science of bone structure and DNA analysis can assign the bones as either male or female, Pat was asked, “ Don’t you believe the science?”
“I don’t believe in “Nazi science.”
“What is Nazi Science?”
“It’s science I don’t believe.”
“Do you believe all women?”
“Absolutely !”
“What is a woman?”
“Whoever tells me they are a woman.”
“What if I tell you – I’m a woman.”
“I don’t believe you.”
After several more exhausting conversations with Pat and his fellow activists it seems that this scientific controversy is just the tip of the iceberg (actually that term is also under fire for being antisemitic) -they prefer the new ethnoreligiously non offensive term TITS (Thick Icy Titanic Sinker).
Another controversy in Anthropology:
“Neanderthals” very likely would object to that term as it conjures up the image of a thick skulled, primitive, feeble-minded knuckle dragging, sub-human cave dweller. The new term favored by academics is Meander-thal as they were known to be nomadic or ME-anderthal as despite achieving very little in the way of progress they were somehow still very proud of themselves.
In Biblical Archeology:
The activists demand that the site where piles of human and gerbil skeletal remains found at Sodom and Gomorrah be turned into a shrine / brothel / bathhouse and host daily twerking pride parades and nightly naked candlelight vigils condemning the perpetrator of the violence committed against the biblical LGTBQ+ community.
In Paleontology:
Activists say the “Dinosaurs” would most certainly object to their literal classification as “terrible lizards”, and so would likely prefer the moniker “Homosaur”. This name change also reflects the belief that it was not a meteor that rendered the dinosaurs extinct, it was the fact that after a million-year civil rights struggle, they succeeded in toppling the heterosexual patriarchy, all turned gay and died out.
In Astrophysics:
The activists object to the term “Big Bang” as those words convey imagery of an act of violent, possibly non-consensual sex.
They prefer to ignore the creation of the universe entirely as explaining the existence of the universe and everything in it might force them to confront the possibility that there might actually be a creator who while benevolent, might also be judgmental or worse, Euro-centric.
