Satire City, USA – In a groundbreaking revelation that shocked absolutely no one who has ever tried to pay rent, scientists have finally confirmed what your rich uncle in Boca has been yelling at Thanksgiving for years: money really does buy happiness.
The study, published in the prestigious journal Duh Quarterly, followed thousands of participants over a 10-year period and discovered that people with more money were… happier.
“We were stunned,” said lead researcher Dr. Anita Moore-Cash, “Our data show a direct correlation between the number of zeros in your bank account and the broadness and toothiness of your smile.”
Scientists divided participants into two groups: those with yachts and those with coupons. The yacht group reported significantly higher levels of happiness, especially when asked questions like, “How do you feel right now on your yacht?” Meanwhile, the coupon group reported feelings ranging from “mildly stressed” to “why is ramen 79 cents now instead of 25?”
“Participants with six-figure incomes reported significantly higher happiness, especially when asked questions like, ‘Would you like another mojito while relaxing on your private beach?’ Meanwhile, participants earning less than $35,000 who came to the stuffy, cramped downtown office building mostly cried while filling out a questionnaire, stuffed some complimentary day-old donuts in their pockets and asked if we validated parking.”
Not everyone agrees with the findings. Critics point out that some millionaires are miserable, citing evidence like reality TV stars. Dr. Moore-Cash responded, “That’s not unhappiness, that’s just poor lighting and bad editing.”
