Satire City, NY – Bridezilla, Anita Mann has been planning her dream wedding for years. She set the date and planned every excruciating wedding detail. The venue, flowers, caterer, band, calligraphy font on the invitations…
“Do you know how hard it is to find a string quartet over a holiday weekend? A florist who can deliver a refrigerated truck full of pink and lavender Calla lilies? I found a five-star hotel to host my wedding on a Saturday night. Compared to all that, finding a groom should be a piece of cake! Oh, damn! I have to call the baker – I finally found the perfect topper for my seven tiered wedding cake!” She excitedly exclaimed while twirling around in her well-worn wedding dress and clutching a wilted weeks old bouquet.
“The wedding plans? Oh, that’s just the tip of the iceberg- I’ve planned our honeymoon in Tahiti , the gated suburban community we’re going to live in, the number of children we’re going to have, their names, their eye color and the private school they’re going to attend.” She said as the veil momentarily slipped from her face, “Now if I could only find some sucker to marry me and play along.”
While going to the mirror to adjust the wedding dress to reveal more cleavage as if placing a tempting large piece of cheese on an even larger rat trap she said, “All the guy has to do is get me a flawless three carat diamond engagement ring, look good enough for pictures in a tuxedo, walk down the aisle without tripping, say “I do”. Walk back up the aisle without tripping, look at me longingly and lovingly but not too creepily and not trip or step on my feet during our first dance. Oh yeah. And after the wedding he has to support me and the children in a carefree, work-free, luxurious lifestyle to which I would like to become accustomed.” She stops to take a breath – bats her eyes and sweetly asks, “Is that too much to ask for?”
“This delay in finding a suitable victim”, she adjusts her veil, “I mean soul mate and life partner, is really becoming inconvenient. I sent the invitations off to the printer last week because I need to get them out next week so now, I’m literally going to have to marry a guy named “Guy”!
