Satire City, NJ – Earlier this week in the New Jersey primary, Congressman Donald Payne Jr., who despite not being able to read, write, walk, talk or even breathe on account of him being recently deceased, was re-elected in a landslide. (It didn’t hurt that in true Democratic Party fashion, he was the only candidate on the ballot.)
Said one lifelong loyal Democrat voter, Moe Ron, “I’m used to voting for brain dead candidates, so voting for a fully dead candidate was not that big a leap for me…I mean it’s not going to change anything anyway, they always vote the party line.”
Previously in this situation, the party would hold a special election to fill the vacancy left by the deceased member, but not anymore. 84-year-old Nancy Pelosi and the rest of the geriatric Democratic party leadership (seeing an opportunity to indefinitely prolong their own political careers) are insisting that the deceased politician return to his seat in Congress.
Assuming he wins the general election this November (most political pundits agree a dead Democrat in New Jersey will have no trouble beating a live Republican), Pelosi and the party leadership say the Congressman will be embalmed, mummified, dressed in a tasteful suit and returned to his seat in the House of Representatives until he once again runs for re-election in two years.
Some of the Congressman’s family members reportedly expressed a desire that maybe he should be allowed to ‘Rest in Peace’.
Nancy Pelosi dismissed such talk as nonsense. “In Congress, no term limits means NO term limits! she bellowed. “Terms are not even limited by death! He has more important things to do than feed the worms. He has to save democracy!!”
Amazingly, constitutional scholars agree. Said one such academic, Law Professor Paisley Pumpernickel, “Strangely enough, the Constitution is silent on the issue of whether Congressional office holders have to be alive.”
“What about candidates for President?”
“Well, the only limitations for running for President is you have to be a natural born citizen and you have to be at-least 35 years old. Again, there is no mention of whether you have to be alive.”
“Interesting…”
“Yes, and this is GREAT news for the Biden campaign. Look at him! He’s ready to keel over any minute. His brain is already dead, and it’s just a matter of time before the rest of him follows.”
Democrats are breathing a sigh of relief as this not only clears the way for Biden’s continued candidacy, but ensures that if elected, he will be able to finish out his term.
According to Moe Ron, “Now I can vote for Joe Biden, safe in the knowledge that even in the worst-case scenario, his remains will remain in office.”
