Satire City, DC – If Trump follows through on his promise to be a “Dictator on Day One” he would only be following in the footsteps of his predecessor Joe “Dead Brain, Feeble Body” Biden who set the new standard for issuing policy reversing Executive Orders and weaponizing all governmental agencies against his political opponents.
To be fair, some say the perception that Joe Biden issued more executive orders than any other sitting (because he couldn’t stand up without falling down) President is misleading. According to a Biden staffer, “We would tell him repeatedly he didn’t need to issue an executive order just to get someone to change the roll of toilet paper in the Oval Office bathroom, he just needed to call housekeeping.”
Nevertheless, incoming President Trump has prepared a slew of Executive Orders to take effect the second he lifts his hand from the Inaugural bible.
Executive order #1 – Raise the Flags to Full Staff!
This order will re-set the official federal mourning period for all Presidents (currently 30 days ) to 60 days for Republican Presidents and 60 seconds for Democratic Presidents (which he believes will be MORE than enough time to play “taps” at double speed, bring the flags down to half-staff and raise them back up again).
Executive order #2 – No More Publicly Funded Funerals!
The Department of Government Efficiency (DOGE) has determined we need to retroactively save money on lavish State funerals and has directed workers from the Department of Public Works (as their final task before laying them off) to go to Plains, GA, dig up Jimmy Carter, remove his body from the federally funded expensive Hand Polished Solid Mahogany Hardwood Casket and dump it face down into a recycled Pine Box sealed with rusty nails then rebury him six feet deeper to make sure he doesn’t get out.
Executive order #3 – Oversight of Charitable Building Standards.
Have federal inspectors from the Department of Housing and Urban Development (HUD) inspect every single “habitat to humanity” house Jimmy Carter ever lifted a hammer to, condemn them due to numerous “code violations”, evict their current residents and burn them to the ground for public safety.
Executive order #4 – Peanut Protection Act of 2025.
As Jimmy Carter made his “living” as a peanut farmer (despite his knowledge that peanuts are a dangerous allergen responsible for the death of roughly 100 Americans each year). The Food and Drug Administration (FDA) will immediately enact a Federal ban on peanuts, peanut butter and just to be safe, peanut comic strips making possession of these items a federal crime. Additionally, the DOJ will exhume Jimmy Carter and put him on trial for Peanut pushing and mass murder.
Executive order #5 – Presidential Perversion Protection Act.
Famously, having met his wife Rosalynn when she was just a 3-day old infant, Jimmy Carter obviously spent the next 17 years grooming her. The future President Predator then started “dating” the 17-year-old minor and went on to marry the teenager transporting her across state lines to “Honeymoon” in North Carolina. In light of these well documented and previously celebrated horrifying facts, the DOJ will be digging up Jimmy Carter and placing him in a maximum security federal jail cell with P Diddy to await sex crime charges including sex trafficking and unrelated self-confessed incidents of lusting in his heart.
Executive order #6 – Take Back the Panama Canal!!
According to Trump’s new Ambassador to Panama, Justin Takeit, “The Panama Canal belongs to America! Not Central America, the United States OF America!! In exchange for their independence from Columbia, Panama gave us the middle of their new country to dig a ditch and cut it in half!! A deal is a deal ! While not in the slightest bit obligated to do so, Carter gave the Panama Canal to Panama ! He followed in the long line of territorial, moronic, blunders made by weak Democrat presidents like Harry Truman who gave Japan back to the Japanese, Germany back to the Germans and France back to the French!”
