Satire City, FL – While the leaders of Canada and Greenland shiver in fear (or maybe just from the cold), President Elect Trump has called together his military advisors to plan the ultimate invasion of the North.
In a late-night unhinged Truth Social rant, Trump said, “There is no better place to rule the world than from the ultimate high ground! The top of the world! The North Pole !!”
Trump further warned the current ruler of the North Pole, Santa, that despite the fact that it is not “advent season”, he should be counting his days.
At an impromptu Press conference of Fox News reporters who will soon make up the bulk of his Cabinet, Trump said, “I don’t know what kind of legitimate claim Santa has to the North Pole… I know he runs a workshop or toy factory where he employs or enslaves elves or midgets or maybe they’re just naughty children… Whatever he’s doing it’s an unfair labor practice! He’s exploiting cheap labor to undercut American workers! Every December we run a huge trade deficit with the North Pole where Santa exports billions of dollars’ worth of toys to the United States – which we pay RETAIL prices for by the way, and he imports only a few thousand dollars’ worth of milk and cookies, that he doesn’t even pay for, back to the North Pole in that big belly of his!! I’m telling you that Santa is running a helluva racket!”
Trump continued, “He may be famous for carrying a big red sack but when it comes to paying for his security, who does he leave holding the bag? The US taxpayer! Every year we spend millions of dollars on military resources for Santa. Who tracks Santa with NORAD? Who puts up refueling tankers filled with hay to feed his reindeer in flight? Who scrambles squadrons of F-35’s to escort Santa’s sleigh through hostile airspace to keep him from being shot down by godless commies?! Every year Santa saddles up his reindeer and saddles the US with the bill! No more free sleigh rides Santa! It’s time for you to pay up!”
According to the operational plan leaked by soon to be fired Pentagon Deep State operatives, at exactly 12:01 PM EST on Inauguration Day, multiple nuclear submarines will simultaneously surface through the ice at the North Pole and all 8 Navy Seal Teams will quickly eliminate any threats posed by Arctic baby Harp Seals, Polar Bears, hostile elves or the fat man himself.
After hearing of the invasion plans, Santa has reportedly fled his workshop taking only his red suit, Rudolph, Mrs. Claus and several large sacks filled with $250 million dollars in cold cash. It is rumored that Santa has joined Bashar al-Assad in luxury exile in Moscow, though Israeli intelligence agents claim he is hiding out in an underground Iranian nuclear facility.
