Satire City, Mexico – Having previously achieved the requisite levels of urban decay and squalor, homeless encampments, soaring crime, rat infested streets littered by human feces and hypodermic needles, chronic spot shortages of consumer goods, abysmal academic achievement of school children, increasing rates of suicide and depression, decreasing life expectancy, overcrowded, understaffed hospitals, porous borders, runaway inflation, destruction of the work ethic, state control of the media, state suppression of religion, social strife and crumbling infrastructure – this week, with the indictment of former President and current Presidential candidate Donald Trump, the United States has finally achieved the last milestone membership criteria of – “Government persecution of political opponents” to officially gain entry into the international organization of Third World nations known as the Sovereign Hapless Incompetent Territories Hating Our Lives on Earth (SHITHOLE).
The induction ceremony and gala celebration was held yesterday in the parking lot of a Dollar store in Tijuana and was well attended by SHITHOLE compatriots from all over the globe. (Most member nations prefer to remain anonymous -though everyone, especially the people who live in them, know who they are.)
The partygoers feasted on traditional third world delicacies with plentiful platters of roasted rat and dog meat and insects on a stick, though many celebrants simply sat on the curb licking empty plates.
The jubilant party featured third world celebratory staples such as blind-folded stick swinging, cockfighting, and costumed wrestling. Many (gang) members of the crowd participated in the traditional shooting of guns into the air followed by the traditional sounds of screaming when the bullets mysteriously fell back down to earth killing members of the crowd.
Gifts from world leaders to President Biden included bananas, cocoa and coffee beans and a rusty 1968 Buick LeSabre convertible with air horns that play “La Cucaracha” to use as a presidential limousine. Biden was also gifted with a set of rusty tire chains, a fully charged 12-volt car battery and jumper cables with genitalia attachments for torturing imprisoned political prisoners.
In his acceptance speech, the teary-eyed Presidente of the United States, Joe Biden told the crowd. “For years my political opponents told Americans that they were exceptional. That Americans were somehow “better” than everyone else. My party and I always held strong to the belief that no matter how many great things Americans went on to achieve, there is no such thing as American exceptionalism. America is no better than anywhere else!! And today mi amigos, I have proved it !!”
To thunderous applause and randomly falling bullets, the President (wearing a bullet proof sombrero) continued, “In the pursuit of equity, my predecessors have for decades tried to raise the standard of living for you people in the third world by giving you aid, medical assistance and funding for education and infrastructure. Where they have failed, I have succeeded! In a few short years I have achieved the dream of world equity, not by improving your lives, but by bringing the United States down to your level and turning it into a SHITHOLE member!”
President Biden in a show of trust and unity then dramatically raised his arms in the air, turned his back to the crowd and fell backwards into the jubilant throng – joyously surfing the crowd as they stripped him of his wallet, watch and cufflinks, before finally taking the pennies out of his penny loafers.
