Satire City, FL – For the first time in decades, leftists have rallied around a leader of Israel, calling him a “masterpiece” – defending him from critics, and condemning those who would cancel him.
After one parent in Florida complained about their 6th grade child being exposed in school to a picture of Michelangelo’s naked statue, David, American leftists have had a field day condemning ALL Christians, ALL Floridians and especially their Governor for being prudish, art-hating bigots.
A leading leftist, gay activist and admitted admirer of male genitalia, Hippie Crit – raised his clenched fist in the air and screamed, “David is a powerful symbol of freedom!!”
When asked, “Oh, is it because he defended his country Israel from the invading Philistines?”
“Because when he was a small shepherd boy, he defeated the mighty invading warrior Goliath?”
“Because he grew up to become the Jewish King of an Israel that was larger than the current state of Israel with Jerusalem as its capital, 1,000 years before Christ and over 1,900 years before anyone dreamed of calling themselves a Palestinian?”
Hippie Crit covered his ears and screamed, “No, no and no !! We HATE all that stuff!! We just like the fact that his statue has its wiener hanging out!”
Another professional protestor activist – the sister of Aunty Fa, Aunty Semite, shook her head in a rare moment of clarity and said, “Yeah… we didn’t think this one through. For years, WE have been the ones cancelling the existence of David in order to deny the legitimacy of the Jewish claim to Palestine. Then we pull this bone-headed stunt and plaster pictures of the marble statue of David – King of ancient Israel – all over the internet – Duh!”
Sister Aunty Fa then chimed in saying, “We spent the last several years throwing paint on and pulling down statues of George Washington, cheering on ecology protestors who threw cake on the Mona Lisa and defaced Van Gogh’s painting “Sunflowers” with tomato soup. Now, all of a sudden, we’re the defenders of Western civilization and the art world? WTF?!”
Said one recent college graduate with a triple major in Gender studies, Anthropology, and French fry preparation. “I spent my entire college career protesting the racist, Eurocentric college curriculum, and now I’m defending the Renaissance art of some old dead white people I refused to even learn about…Bruh!”
Trying to calm his suddenly woke comrades, the openly, proudly and flamboyantly gay Hippie Crit jumped atop the hulk of a burned-out police car and shouted, “ Don’t worry, as soon as we are done beating those intolerant, hateful, conservative Christians over the head with David’s marble penis, we’re gonna rip it off his Jewish colonizing, Israeli apartheid-enforcing, cisgender stone body, throw soup and paint on what’s left of him, tear him down from his pedestal and do everything we can to throw his people off his land and give it to people who have been known to throw people like me off a rooftop!”
In a moment of clarity he lowered his clenched fist and muttered, “Hmm. We might not be thinking this one through either….”
