Satire City, PA – The world’s most famous Groundhog, Punxsutawney Phil has infuriated the residents of the northern USA by predicting six more weeks of winter weather.
Angry mobs of people who have had enough of the cold weather immediately started chasing the terrified rodent through the streets with torches and pitchforks. Several frostbitten attendees screamed, “You’re dead Phil!”
The mayor of Punxsutawney implored the people to remain calm.
“Get a grip people! We’re talking about a two-week difference! The point is Phil gets it right 100% of the time. He knows there will be global warming in the form of spring – at least in the hemisphere anyone gives a damn about, he just doesn’t know if it’s going to be in 4 weeks or 6 weeks. Give the furry little guy a break!”
After reviewing the statistics of Phil’s predictions, “he just doesn’t know” seems to be an understatement. Despite having a 50-50 chance of making the correct call, the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration has found Punxsutawney Phil’s predictions over the past 10 years have been right only 30 percent of the time – meaning he gets it wrong 70% of the time!
According to a NOAA Spokesman, “He’s worse than flipping a coin!”
Despite the local show of political support from Punxsutawney’s Mayor, President Trump has vowed to get Phil fired.
In a late night, Diet Coke fueled unhinged rant on Truth Social, Trump writes, “The fact is this groundhog is very bad at his job. He’s incompetent! He’s completely unqualified for the position. I’m sorry to say, he’s not the best, he’s not the brightest. He’s the Kamala Harris of groundhogs. He needs to go! MAWA! (Make America Warm Again!)
