Satire City, DC – For months after the horrific, barbaric October 7th attack on Israel, with the capture of hundreds of civilians including babies and old ladies as hostages, the Biden administration followed the “Jimmy Carter playbook of hostage negotiation” shuttling US Secretary of State, Anthony Blinken throughout the Middle East to whine, impotently wring his hands, plead, and beg the terrorists to release the hostages. All while Nuclear Powered Aircraft carriers and other American military assets in the Middle East (that were not previously surrendered to the Taliban), sat by idly with American soldiers and sailors passing the time holding Pride parades and attending Drag Queen story hours.
Finally, earlier this week came a diplomatic breakthrough! As Netanyahu could no longer ignore the incessant high-pitched crying and screams of anguish (not of the hostages’ families, but of Anthony Blinken) – he signed off on a hostage trade that the Biden administration touted as their “greatest victory since Afghanistan”. The deal forces Netanyahu to trade 1000 bloodthirsty terrorists for 1 milk thirsty Israeli baby.
Yet, much to the horror of the Biden Administration, even this “great deal” seems to be unraveling.
Incoming President Trump, however, has a different deal for the terrorists having previously warned them “hell will break loose” unless the hostages are returned from Gaza before he takes office.
Since issuing that threat, many politicians, pundits and others who have a need to overthink everything, have wondered what he means, while every plain-speaking American knows exactly what he means.
According to incoming Secretary of State, Marco Rubio, “President Trump has directed all explosives at the disposal of the US military to be detonated in, under or over Gaza at 12:01 pm eastern time on Inauguration Day – January 20 2025.”
This plan somehow passed muster with the Department of Government Efficiency despite the fact that it is enough firepower to destroy the world 37 times over.
After the explosion, military analysts and geologists project that Gaza’s geography will be significantly altered. It will remain 25 miles long and 7 miles wide but will now be 30 miles deep.
According to the incoming spokesman for the US Department of Geology, “At that depth we are entering the earth’s mantle where temperatures range from 800 to 1,200 degrees Fahrenheit.
“That’s hot!”
“Yes, its hotter than hell!”
“So Trump will literally unleash hell in the Middle East?!”
“Yes, that’s what he literally said he would do.”
“That sounds bad.”
“Yes, but there is a silver lining, according to the incoming Secretary of the Department of Energy, Gaza will be the deepest and widest crater on the planet giving us access to the earth’s fiery molten core and allowing us to create limitless, nearly free geothermal energy which will have the side benefit of making oil in the remaining Middle East worthless.”
“Very interesting strategy…”
“Yes, it’s called winning”.
