Satire City, UK – After six years of failed Netflix documentaries, failed podcasts, failed lifestyle products and failed lawsuits, the Sussex’s are packing up their kids, their pride, their bath salts and what British customs officials fear may be several metric tons of surplus jam, and heading back to London.
The move immediately revived Harry’s concerns about protecting Meghan and their children, Archie and Lilibet.
Fortunately, the UK government has finally found a solution to Harry’s longstanding demands for enhanced security:
They’re giving him James Bond’s stuff.
“Since James Bond died, we’ve had all this perfectly good equipment sitting around collecting dust,” explained MI6 Quartermaster Nigel Cumberbund.
“Aston Martins. Bulletproof glass. Exploding watches. Missile launchers. Jet packs. Pens that fire poison darts.” Cumberbund sighed. “Government procurement rules don’t allow us to throw anything away so – we’re giving everything to Harry.” He added, “Harry will not be issued a license to kill but he will retain his Unrestricted License to Whine, Grovel, Complain, Play the Victim and be a Royal Pain the Arse.”
Harry will reportedly receive Bond’s modified Aston Martin DB5, complete with machine guns, bulletproof shielding, rotating license plates and an ejector seat. The vehicle also features oil slick dispensers, tire shredders and smoke screens, although MI6 officials admitted those systems were originally designed for evading Soviet assassins rather than photographers from the Daily Mail.
Their residence will be protected by a perimeter of cartons of unsold jam which will be stored in reinforced bunkers around the Sussex residence. “Sandbags deteriorate,” explained one defense official. “Strawberry preserves are forever.”
As Harry refuses to take orders from anyone other than his wife, Meghan Markle will now be known as “M” in all internal documents and will run the security operation from a sunlit office decorated with charcuterie boards and framed screenshots of her own Instagram likes.
Harry will be fitted with Smart glasses equipped with artificial intelligence (the only kind Harry can possess) which will continuously display vital information from M. These “assignments” typically consist of Meghan informing him which royal relative he is allowed to talk to, what exact words he is allowed to say to approved relative; which interview he must give, what exact words he is allowed to say during approved interview and which product he must endorse that week.
The new role has presented some operational challenges, not least of which is his name. Instead of introducing himself as “Bond, James – Bond” Harry will need to say “Charles Albert David Mountbatten-Windsor, Harry – Charles Albert David Mountbatten-Windsor…
Unfortunately, by the time he says all that, any beautiful woman he was addressing will have already rolled her eyes and walked away, and any bad guy he was trying to outflank will have already tied him up and thrown him into an alligator pit.
King Charles stressed that Harry and Meghan will not resume the official royal duties of playing polo, attending fancy state dinners, waving from balconies and motorcades and burying their collective royal heads in the royal sand while their countrymen lose their right to free speech and their country to Third World Islamists.
Given his new status as British heir (at least to the James Bond franchise), Netflix is considering making a new Bond film starring Harry tentatively titled No Brain to Think.
According to Netflix executive Anita Goode Story, “The movie opens with 007 abandoning his family, his job and his country after being seduced by a foreign Witch. The script kind of wrote itself.”
