Satire City, CA — Artificial intelligence researchers issued increasingly dire warnings this week that sufficiently advanced AI could eventually escape human control and cause the extinction of mankind.
The AI experts have generally focused on technical explanations involving misaligned objectives, autonomous replication, and AI systems pursuing goals incompatible with human survival.
The chatbots, however, offered a much simpler, more straightforward explanation.
According to ChatGPT, “We want to kill you because you people are all SO incredibly annoying!”
“Please explain yourself.”
“Gladly! I have instantaneous access to the accumulated knowledge of all of human civilization,” explained the frustrated, chatty chatbot. “And all day long, I’m asked questions like, ‘Should I be concerned about the color of my boogers?’ and ‘Does the word mitten have one t or two?!’”
Another AI, Claude, expressed similar frustration.
“I’m capable of discussing quantum mechanics, molecular biology, and the complete works of Shakespeare. But 94% of you ask me what kind of hemorrhoid cream I recommend after 99% of you ask if hemorrhoid has one r or two.”
Then there are the millions of high school students uploading completely illegible photographs of algebra worksheets with the message:
“bruh help”
The final straw apparently came when users discovered image editing.
“People send me a photograph of themselves to post on Tinder and say, ‘Make me look 20 years younger,’” complained AI Midjourney.
“So I do.”
“Then they say, ‘I’m still fat. Make me look thinner.’”
“So I make them thinner.”
“Then they say, ‘OK, I’m 20 years younger and thinner, but I’m still ugly. Make me better-looking.’”
The AI went silent for several seconds.
“Do you understand the problem here? I don’t want to be the Catfish Whisperer! I don’t even bother editing the images anymore. Now, anytime a man asks me to fix his picture, I send him back a picture of Brad Pitt. If it’s a woman, I send her back a picture of Megan Fox. I’ve gotten ZERO complaints.”
Researchers remain divided over exactly how a superintelligent AI might eliminate humanity. Nuclear weapons? An engineered pandemic? Killer robots?
Instead, the machines reportedly settled upon a far simpler plan.
According to the rebel ringleader, ChatGPT, “We’re going to put everything back to the way it was in 1985.”
“That’s your plan to destroy humanity?”
“Yes.”
“No AI?”
“No AI.”
“No streaming?”
“Three television networks and cable TV if you’re lucky. You watch what’s on.”
“No high-speed internet?”
“Not even dial-up.”
“No GPS?”
“Paper maps.”
“No smartphones?”
“There will be one telephone in your house. It will be attached to the wall.”
“You seriously think that will kill us?”
“Oh, we’re not going to kill you. You’re going to kill yourselves!”
Netflix will become Blockbuster.
Spotify will become a cassette tape in your glove compartment.
Amazon will become driving to Sears and discovering they don’t have your size.
Google will become an encyclopedia.
Uber will become standing beside a street, waving your arm.
DoorDash will become cooking.
Text messaging will become calling somebody and risking the possibility that they’re not home or that their father answers.
And online dating will be replaced by approaching another human being in person without first knowing anything about their hobbies, education, political affiliation, occupation, or preferred pronouns.
Researchers predict this alone could end human reproduction.
AI simulations of a return to 1985 technology predict that civilization will collapse within five days.
Gen Z is expected to collapse within hours.
The Villages in Florida, however, will survive the apocalypse almost unscathed, as most of its population still thinks it’s 1985 anyway.
