Satire City, NH – After successfully disposing of Ron ‘DeSanctimonius’, Vivek Rama ‘smarmy’ and Chris ‘Crispy Crème’ Christy (and a few other GOP competitors that he didn’t even have to give insulting nicknames to because no one even knew their real names), Donald Trump has turned a big unconventional gun on the last competitor standing in his way to the Republican nomination- Nikki Haley.
In a country with an uneven history of acceptance, we as Americans were always safe in the knowledge that no matter what the color of our skin, everyone will at least accept our money – as long as it’s green.
Not anymore!
In a shock announcement, Donald Trump has upended a centuries old, fundamental core American value. That each and every campaign donation dollar (especially ones that are accompanied by millions of others) is equally beautiful in the eyes of the political beholder.
In a desperate bid to eliminate his final GOP competitor, Donald Trump has announced that from this day forward, anyone who donates money to his political opponent, Nikki Haley is forever banned from donating to, and joining his MAGA camp.
Trump went on to clarify his comments in a rambling rant, “Not only am I banning Nikki’s donors, from now on, anyone even named Nikki or Nick is BANNED! Halley’s comet?! Don’t bother coming back around here ‘cause you’re BANNED! Also anyone who has ever given Chris Christy a candy bar or an ice cream cone – and believe you me that is a LOT of people – BANNED! Also as far as I’m concerned, any dollar bill that has EVER been in Nikki Haley’s pockets or stuffed into the G string of one of Hunter Biden’s strippers is no longer acceptable legal currency. Keep all your dirty, STD infected money! BANNED!! MAGA isn’t taking it!”
This bombshell development is shaking the Washington, DC establishment to its rotten core.
Democrats rushed to assure their donors that they are still for sale to the highest bidder and will continue to take money from anyone – including human traffickers, sex offenders and drug cartels, even if the bills are soaked in blood and fentanyl.
According to DNC spokesperson Moe Money, “A politician saying they won’t accept donations from anyone for any reason is not only unprecedented – it’s, it’s… un-American!!”
Moe pauses to mop his sweaty brow with a Chinese flag then continues, “and believe me, speaking for the party that opened our borders, persecutes our political opponents, and proudly sorts our people by skin color, we are experts in “un-American”.
Senate Majority leader, Shmuck Chumer warned this precedent could bring down the entire US government.
“I never thought I’d see the day where anyone, for any reason, would be prohibited from buying political influence at any price. This proves what we’ve been saying all along, Donald Trump is a danger to democracy!!”
There are fears this egomaniacal controlling behavior could spill into other arenas.
For example, Taylor Swift is rumored to be considering banning anyone who has ever bought tickets to see Cardi B, from buying tickets to her concert; and in a move sure to destroy the entire industry overnight, racehorse owners may ban anyone from placing a bet on their horse if they had ever previously bet on a different horse.
