Satire City, Vatican City – During a routine medical checkup, doctors at Vatican City Holy Mackerel Hospital of the Blue Cross discovered a bruise on Pope Francis’ arm. When asked, the Pope insisted it was “nothing.”
When further pressed, the downcast Pope mumbled that he “fell down the stairs.”
When asked about another bruise on his chin the Pope again said it was “nothing”, he was just being clumsy while swinging the ‘Holy Smokes’ incense crucible and it hit him in the face.
When asked about his black eye the Pope once again dismissed it as “nothing” telling doctors that he “walked into a doorknob of a confession booth.”
At this point, the signs were all too obvious and doctors called upon the services of state social worker, Anita Goode-Smack to screen the Pope for possible domestic partner violence.
“Pope Francis, are you in a committed relationship”
“Yes, I am committed to God.”
“You don’t need to point upward, I know who you’re talking about, so for the record, God is your partner?”
“Yes.”
“OK” she said while taking out her pen and notepad, “Does your partner try to control you?”
“Oh yes, all day, every day! He even made a long, detailed list of things of I ‘shalt’ and ‘shalt not’ do…”
“Hmmm, de
oes your partner want to know where you are, who you’re with and what you’re doing all of the time?”
“Yes, yes he knows all of that!” He knows everything ! Always! I have NO privacy!”
“Does your partner ever make you feel afraid?”
The Pope trembled, “Yes, of course I fear God! Doesn’t everyone?”
“You think everyone fears your partner? Oh my, this is worse than I thought. Is your partner jealous?”
“Well, he does say very clearly in the Old Testament that he IS a jealous God.”
The Social Services State Therapist furiously writes more notes and continues, “Does your partner ever fly into a rage?”
“Well, he destroyed the two cities of Sodom and Gomorrah, he destroyed the entire country of Egypt by reigning down plagues and killing their firstborn and there was this one time he destroyed the whole world by flood, drowning virtually every man, woman and child.”
“Uh, we’ll count that as a yes”.
“But he had good reasons, he was provoked! The people were wicked!”
“Please Pontiff, don’t blame the victims and don’t make excuses for his unacceptable, bad behavior.”
The Pope caressed his bruises and whispered, “ OK, OK, I won’t keep making excuses for him…”
“One more question, does your partner refuse to talk to you for long periods of time?”
The Pope then broke down and quietly wept, “I have devoted my ENTIRE life to him and to be honest, he has NEVER spoken to me…”
“Your holiness, I’m sorry to say, but this is the MOST abusive relationship I have ever documented!!”
Immediately after the evaluation, for his own safety, The Pope was whisked away by the authorities in the Popemobile to a secret shelter for abused Pontiffs and God was promptly served with a restraining order preventing him from getting within 50 feet of the Pope. The Pope insisted the order would be of no use because “God is everywhere!”
Plans are underway to give the Pope a new identity and resettle him in the one place on earth God would never go – Canada.
