Satire City, Gaza – After hearing that a US service member had killed himself in solidarity with Palestine, a leader of Hamas who didn’t want to give his name or his preferred pronouns exclaimed, God is Great! He has opened the world’s eyes to our righteous cause!” The Hamas leader known as Z (mostly because the Israelis already killed leaders A -Y) then danced for joy in the tunnels of Rafah and celebrated by once again raping several of the young women he still has captive and drinking a bottle of milk snatched from a baby hostage. Z continued, “It was nice when the western world denied, then justified, then quickly forgot about the atrocities we committed against civilians on October 7th.”
Pausing to wipe the milk from his beard and the blood from his hands, “It was even better when millions of people in the West started taking our side, protesting in the streets against Israel – demanding an immediate unconditional ceasefire like the one that was in effect when we broke it by committing the atrocities against civilians on October 7th.”
He paused to fondly leaf through a photo album titled ‘My Vacation in Israel’ with pictures of him shooting, stabbing, raping, torturing, killing, and burning women, children, and babies, “But this, THIS is more than we ever could have hoped for! Americans killing themselves for us!” He pulled a bloody kerchief from his pocket and wiped a tear from his eye. “Please let me express my most sincere gratitude for this selfless act of justice and take this opportunity to ask all our friends in America to take your support for our cause to the next level and kill yourselves!”
“You can’t possibly mean that.”
“Of course, I do and quite frankly I’m offended that you question my sincerity.”
“So sorry, I wouldn’t want to offend you.”
“That’s better, and to demonstrate our sincerity and gratitude for the support, despite the severe fuel shortage we have here, the citizens of Gaza have collected enough gasoline and matches for 24,568 more Americans to set themselves on fire with.”
“How generous and thoughtful.”
“Yes, yes, well, we wish we could do more, oh wait, I almost forgot. We have a stockpile of American flags which are pre-soaked with gasoline – all ready to fire up another 597 of our friends!”
“Very nice, and how are you planning to transport those supplies to the United States?”
“Unfortunately, we can’t as the Zionist pigs destroyed our airplanes, which is why we want all our American friends who have been demonstrating on our behalf – especially the Jews for Palestine and the Queers for Palestine to come here, here to Gaza and set themselves on fire.”
“You want them to come to Gaza and set themselves on fire…”
“Yes, yes. That would be far more helpful to us than burning themselves in the streets of America.” Turning to his Social media live feed he then made a heartfelt direct plea for help, “My friends, if you set yourselves on fire here in Gaza we can throw your burning bodies at Israeli tanks, or simply gather around a few of you and roast marshmallows. Oh, I almost forgot, if you are gracious enough to be offering yourself as the ultimate sacrifice, if it wouldn’t be too much more trouble, can you please also bring Graham crackers and chocolate… for the children. They love s’mores.”
“Why, why would you want your friends, your supporters – the people who care the most about you, to kill themselves?”
“Obviously, to everyone except them – because it will save us the trouble of killing them ourselves!”
