Satire City, France– In the tradition of awe inspiring Olympic opening ceremonies, the host nation will usually showcase their historical achievements, technological breakthroughs and proud history.
Having none of those things, France chose instead to treat us to a nausea inducing parade of fat men in drag prancing around the town in the rain.
This Olympic opening ceremony has united the world like none other. North Koreans and South Koreans, Israelis and Palestinians, Ukrainians and Russians – everyone dropped their weapons, dropped their jaws, fell to the ground and tried to scratch their eyes out.
This opening ceremony was the worst in Olympic history including the disastrous opening of Tokyo 2020 – which was so bad that within 24 hours, fully half the population of Japan committed ritual suicide by disemboweling themselves with samurai swords as they couldn’t live with the shame. Unfortunately, and quite evidently – the French have no shame.
The disaster hasn’t been limited to the ceremony but involves several events as well. Transgender (aka MALE) boxers who were found to have XY chromosomes and previously banned – will now be allowed to compete in Women’s boxing. As such, the Olympic Committee had to the change the name of the sport from Women’s Boxing to Women’s Beatdown (or in the case of two biological men competitors – Cockfighting).
Also, the triathlon had to be delayed for another day after experts determined that for the 10 millionth day in a row, the river Seine was just over the limit of E.Coli because the open secret is that its an open cesspool. Or as the French prefer to call it “Riviere’ de crottes flottantes” because that sounds so much nicer and hygienic than the English translation of “River of Floating Turds.”
The Gold medal will not be awarded to the fastest triathlete swimmer, but to the one who can go the longest without contracting a flesh-eating bacterial infection.
Some developed nations have complained that this gives an unfair advantage to athletes from the third world who are accustomed to swimming in sewers.
So far, the gold medal leaders are:
China which has won 9, Japan has won 8 and host nation France has won 8 Gold medals but immediately surrendered them to Germany.
