Satire City, DE– After decades of questions about his intelligence and integrity, years of questions about his mental acuity, months of questions about his incessant drooling and inability to string a sentence together, weeks of questions about his ability to perform the duties of the Commander in Chief and days of questions about whether he was even still alive… earlier today, Joe Biden quit his reelection campaign in a shock cryptic WRITTEN announcement scribbled on the back of a Taco wrapper in Nancy Pelosi’s handwriting.
Vice President Kamala Harris was quick to pick up the mantle (after letting go of one of the many knives in his back) and declared herself the new Democratic nominee.
Kamala’s campaign slogan is “Continuity – I’m starting out with as many brain cells as Biden is leaving with.”
Still not everyone is getting on board with Team Kamala.
Joe Manchin the (former) Democrat, (still) Senator of the burning coal and dumpster fire of a state known as West Virginia has threatened to enter the race. “If elected I promise to carry on the proud Biden legacy. I’ll speak unintelligibly, sniff little girls’ hair, fall asleep in Cabinet meetings. Heck, I’ll even occasionally crap my pants and take a tumble down the steps of Air Force One.”
Despite these impeccable qualifications, Democrats will be conducting numerous polls prior to their convention in August to gauge their chances of victory in the various scenarios of:
Trump vs. Generic Democrat
Trump vs. Generic Democrat with Heartbeat but no detectable brain waves.
Trump vs. Generic Democrat Governor who has made their state a paradise for homeless drug addicts, illegal aliens, terrorists, and other generic felons.
Trump vs. Generic Elderly Loudmouth Socialist Senator
Trump vs. Generic recycled loser and despised former First Lady
This is a developing story…. Check back for updates:
Update 1 – The United Nations has just updated its worldwide tally of Americans being held hostage to seven. Five in Gaza, one in a Russian Gulag and one (who never even tried to save the others) in a basement in Delaware.
