Satire City, USA – CNN ratings have dropped a staggering 43% since the election of Donald Trump.
According to CNN Programming executive, Robbie Retardo, “After the election, our audience disappeared – we think it’s because they either killed themselves or moved to Venezuela, Canada or Cuba.”
“Or could it be they finally realized you spent years lying to them? Telling them Hunter Biden is a good boy, Jill Biden is a doctor, Joe Biden is sharp as a tack, Tim Walz is NOT the huge dickwad Tim Walz obviously is, and the biggest whopper of all – Kamala is going to win!”
“Nah, that’s not it.”
In a last-ditch effort to boost its ratings and specifically target Democrat voters, CNN has announced a partnership with coffin maker, Decomposure, to build TV screens into the lids of their coffins. The coffins are then sold at a steep discount to bereaved family members who are willing to trade their loved one’s eternal rest to save a few hundred dollars in funeral costs.
According to one grieving daughter, “Mom loved CNN. Nothing would make her happier than to spend her entire afterlife the same way she spent her entire life – being trapped in an impenetrable bubble of fake news, false narratives, hysterical fear-mongering and moral superiority.”
Another coffin consumer had less benevolent motives.
“Grandpa always had Fox News blasting on the TV. He never let me turn down the volume or change the channel. Good riddance to both of them! Rot in CNN hell Gramps!”
The change in marketing is also reflected in CNN’s new name, “Coffin News Network”.
According to industry analyst, Up N. Leftus, “Desperate times call for desperate measures. To keep their advertisers, CNN needs to get their content in front of more eyeballs. Even if those eyeballs are rotting out a skull.”
