Satire City, MA — After centuries of fiery trials, broom-related profiling, and pointy hat discrimination, witches have officially been removed from the global list of persecuted peoples, the United Nations announced Monday.
“Witches really had a rough go of it for a few hundred years, but lately, society has been less interested in dunking them in rivers or setting them on fire,” said UN spokesperson Ingrid Spellman. “In fact, they’ve largely been rebranded as quirky suburban moms with crystal collections and Etsy shops.”
Historians note that the witch persecution index peaked in the late 1600s with the Salem trials. “Since then, incidents have dropped dramatically, except for occasional Halloween slander,” said Dr. Mildred Cauldron.
Experts suggest witches’ newfound acceptance stems from favorable media portrayals, from Harry Potter to Hocus Pocus. “It’s hard to demonize people when they’re portrayed as glamorous British boarding school kids or sassy aunts with a talking cat,” said Spellman. “And after the success of ‘Wicked’, there is no such thing as an evil witch, just one who is misunderstood with a complicated backstory.”
Local witch and part-time tarot reader Agnes Nightshade welcomed the announcement. “I can finally walk into Whole Foods without someone whispering, ‘She’s gonna hex the avocados.’ The worst I get now is teenagers asking if my broom has Wi-Fi.”
Others were less enthusiastic. “We worked hard for that outsider, persecution cred,” said warlock Gary Hemlock, puffing indignantly on a clove cigarette. “When I wear a long dark hooded robe, patent leather boots, silver skeleton themed jewelry and walk down a street crowded with blue and pink haired tattooed, face pierced people – no one gives me a second look! He sighed mournfully and continued, “It seems the only way I can whip up an angry crowd to chase me through the streets these days is to wear a Star of David.”
