Satire City, DC – In the most impressive display of tactful personal diplomacy since calling a White House Press reporter “piggy” last week, President Trump has called Minnesota Governor Tim Walz “retarded”.
According to the press, the problem isn’t that Governor Walz allowed the theft of nearly a billion dollars of state and federal funds, the real problem is Donald Trump called him a ‘retard’ because of it.
“Name calling is never acceptable!” said Mr. Pan T. Bunch, President of the Society to Terminate Use of Pugilistic Insensitive Descriptors – STUPID. “I really wish that Big Bully Racist, Nazi President Trump would stop calling people names!”
Tim Walz’s office responded to the hurtful comment by denying the Governor’s “retardedness” and stating “as a matter of fact the Governor has just responded to a fortuitous email by wiring $100,000 of additional state funds to fully recover the stolen money and is now awaiting a Western Union money transfer of a billion dollars from a Nigerian prince.”
Federal prosecutors who (given the overwhelming evidence), were more than willing to accept President Trump’s claim that the Minnesota Governor paid out a billion dollars to third world scammers because he was retarded, must now entertain other causes such as he is grossly incompetent, corrupt and/or, if not outright retarded, is at least severely stupid.
According to retired federal judge Hangum Hi. “Walz should have just left well alone, if he was smart, he would plead retarded.”
According to the law, ‘not guilty by reason of retardation’ is far better than ‘not retarded but guilty.” Besides, even if he is found ‘guilty but retarded’, the federal prison for retards is far better than the regular lock-up. Inmates get Velcro fastened shoes, unlimited access to coloring books and edible crayons as well as 24 /7 cable TV showing CNN, MTV and Nickelodeon.
Coming to the defense of Governor Walz, the president of the AARP – American Association of Retarded Persons, Mr. Brain D. Fishant claims that Mr. Walz’s name isn’t in his alphabetical membership roster though admits it’s possible he can’t find it because while he proudly boasts of knowing his ABCs – he’s not really good with the letters after that.
Given the uncertainty of Mr. Walz’s mental status, we asked America’s leading Aptitude Expert Dr. Sigmoid Hemorrhoid.
“Doctor, in your professional opinion, is it unfair or insulting for President Trump to call Tim Walz a retard?”
“No, not at all. In this case, even the casual observer can clearly see the man is retarded.”
“Seriously? Doctor, in your professional opinion what was your first clue that Governor Walz was mentally impaired?”
“You mean retarded… I’d say it was when he accepted the nomination to be Kamala Harris’s running mate.”
“Are you sure that means he’s mentally impaired?”
“Yes, I’m sure he’s retarded. Are you questioning the science? By definition, anyone with an IQ of under 75 is retarded. It’s nothing to be ashamed of, its 5% of the population. They say they’re “special” but honestly and unfortunately”, he lowers his voice to a whisper, “they’re not that special” and in a place like the Minnesota statehouse, you can’t swing a stick without hitting a retard in the head, especially since they’re too stupid to duck.”
“What’s your point doctor?”
“We should respect the science and give him an IQ test!”
“Are you suggesting Mr. Walz take an IQ test to see if he is mentally impaired?”
“No of course not. Everyone knows he’s retarded. The IQ test would be to determine what kind of retard he is.”
“I don’t follow…”
“Hmm, perhaps we should test you too… put simply and scientifically, if Governor Walz has an IQ of 51-70 he is a moron, if it’s 25-50, he’s an imbecile, if it’s below 25 he’s in the rare category of retardation known as idiot. These people are severely mentally impaired yet strangely enough, disproportionately occupy high elected offices in blue states.
“If their Governor is retarded what does that say about the people of Minnesota?”
“Nothing good. We should probably test them all.”
“But Doctor, isn’t it impractical to subject everyone in the state of Minnesota to an IQ test?”
“I don’t know, I mean we DO give them an abbreviated IQ test every four years at the ballot box and they have consistently failed every single time since 1972.”
“Are you saying the majority of Minnesotans are mentally impaired?”
“Retarded. In as much as we can test for it, yes.”
