Satire City , EU — The thousands of European soccer fans who travelled to America over the summer for the FIFA World Cup games and were amazed to discover the miracle of modern AC which kept American arenas, shopping malls and homes “colder than European meat lockers” have now returned home to find thousands of their compatriots dead from heat stroke.
In a more ironic twist, several British soccer fans who couldn’t get enough of the novel phenomenon of cold air at a Miami arena and rudely chanted “Turn up the bloody AC, you wankers!” lasted exactly 47 minutes after landing at Heathrow before succumbing to the UK’s current heat wave, which meteorologists have classified as “Hell’s Waiting Room.”
Medical experts are calling the phenomenon Reverse AC Shock Syndrome, or RASS. Symptoms include acclimation to functional climate control in the US followed by total inability to handle European summer temperatures once they get back home.
“They’re melting like gelato” said one exhausted ER doctor in Barcelona. “Europe still thinks ‘air conditioning’ is opening two windows and hoping for a breeze.”
Under pressure from the recent heat, recent deaths and most importantly, the recently acquired knowledge that they don’t have to passively let their citizens cook like Rotisserie chickens, EU politicians are planning to pass a resolution making AC a human right – as soon as they can figure out a way to cool their buildings without warming the planet.
Meanwhile, Rome has confirmed it has begun the paperwork to canonize Willis Carrier, the American inventor of modern air conditioning.
According to Vatican sources, several miracles have already been attributed to Carrier’s intercession, including a priest reportedly surviving last August in Rome without having to change his shirt three times before lunch and a family of four in Palermo who slept through the night without sweating buckets or fighting for a spot near the window.
Despite the fact that his sainthood is being “fast tracked” with Carrier’s beautification set for next Thursday, a Vatican spokesman denied that the Church was moving too quickly.
“Frankly, after spending fifteen minutes outside last Tuesday, we’re surprised this process wasn’t started decades ago.”
“You know he wasn’t even Catholic…”
“ We don’t care…”
“You know he was a Presbyterian!!”
“Doesn’t matter….The man was a saint!”
