Satire City, NY — Millions of New Yorkers expressed shock this week as oppressive summer heat descended upon the city, apparently unaware that only months earlier they had elected the Devil mayor.
“I thought Democratic Socialism meant free buses and cheaper groceries,” said Brooklyn resident Chloe Feldman before being “randomly” punched in the face.
“Nobody said anything about eternal damnation.”
“Jesus Christ, it’s hot,” complained Manhattan resident Olivia Rosenberg, fanning herself with a Democratic Socialists of America pamphlet that spontaneously burst into flames as she was standing on a subway platform approximately three feet from the surface of the sun.
“This is completely unprecedented.” She managed to pant out before being pushed onto the tracks by a fellow New Yorker.
Believe the Science
Scientists believe a particularly strong El Nino has forced its way across the border and is causing the unusual pattern of global warming.
“It is actually very simple thermodynamics,” explained Columbia University climatologist Dr. Harold Finklestein Jinglehiemer-Schmidt standing in a shady spot on the campus sidewalk.
“Instead of all 360 degrees of the globe being warmed by 1 degree, New York City is being warmed by 360 degrees,” he said before being beaten to death with a Palestinian flagpole by one of his students trying to ‘Globalize the Intifada’.
City Hall Denies Mayor Is Literally Satan
The Mamdani administration has vigorously maintained that despite widespread reporting and the uncanny resemblance – the black-bearded, red-eyed, pitchfork wielding mayor is not Satan. “This is ridiculous right-wing and Zionist misinformation,” said mayoral spokesperson Lucifer Morningstar-Rodriguez. “The mayor does not have horns, the Jews do!” They control the weather! It’s THEIR fault!”
For his part, Mayor Mamdani reassured New Yorkers that they were merely experiencing the ‘warmth of collectivism’ and urged them to remember these days of excessive heat this January – when he intends to make Hell freeze over.
