Satire City, U.S.A. — After nearly 250 years of defending themselves and their ideals against British rule, German and Italian fascism, Soviet and Chinese communism, and Islamist terrorism, polls show that voters across the United States may finally be ready to give up their freedom and God-given rights because gasoline is $4.37 a gallon.
“Sure, my grandfather fought the Communists in Vietnam. But gas was only about 30 cents a gallon back then!” explained undecided Pennsylvania voter Brad Miller while pumping $74 worth of regular unleaded into his Ford F-150.
“My grandfather always told me freedom wasn’t free,” Miller said. He shook his head. “I just didn’t realize it was gonna cost this much.”
“So, how much is your freedom worth?”
“I‘m willing to go up to four dollars per gallon.”
“How about the lives of your children and grandchildren?”
“Hmmmm. OK, OK. I’d pay four dollars and 25 cents per gallon.”
“How much for your gay son not to be hanged from a crane or thrown off a roof or for your teenaged daughter not to be raped and imprisoned in a burqa never to be seen again?”
“OK! OK! Now you’re getting me fighting mad!!!! 4 dollars and 50 cents a gallon, but not a penny more!”
Across America, millions of voters are reportedly conducting similar calculations.
The Communist-Islamist Coalition, formerly known as the Democratic Party—has already surged in suburban polling.
Republican candidates across the country are running scared.
Chip Goodfellow, running against Abdul Kilda-Infidel for county commissioner, made a desperate 11th-hour plea to voters in his district:
“I’m not asking you to kill Communists or Islamic fascists. I’m just politely asking you NOT to vote for them!”
DSA spokesman Karl Jihad Marxwell urged voters not to succumb to what he called “MAGA fearmongering.”
“There is nothing to be afraid of! A little communism or Islamism never hurt anyone! Yes, we intend to abolish ICE, defund the police, confiscate private property, nationalize industry, establish a Sharia-law caliphate, eliminate political dissent and send the enemies we didn’t behead to concentration or reeducation camps,” Marxwell conceded.
He smiled reassuringly.
“But we promise regular unleaded will be $3.28 a gallon.”
