Satire City, N.Y. — Cornell University’s stunning policy reversal has sent shock waves throughout the Ivy League, where administrators are now conducting emergency reviews of centuries-old policies governing precisely how unconscious, intoxicated, threatened or otherwise incapacitated a woman must be before undergraduates are expected to get off of her.
At Harvard, under proposed reforms, fraternity members may soon be prohibited from interpreting unconsciousness as affirmative sexual consent. Administrators announced that they are reviewing the university’s longstanding consent policy known as:
“You snooze, you lose.” (Your virginity.)
“This represents a significant evolution in our understanding of consent,” explained Harvard Dean Anita Permission.
To avoid confusion, members of the Harvard Debate Society will still be permitted to follow their traditional tournament rule: “Silence is consent” and continue making predatory sexual advances primarily toward female mimes, women with laryngitis and choking victims.
Next door at MIT, administrators conducted an exhaustive review of campus sexual-conduct policies and determined that no changes were necessary as there has not been a documented case of an MIT student having sex in nearly 50 years.
At Yale, administrators introduced a revolutionary new policy clarifying that consent obtained through threats, intimidation or coercion may not actually qualify as consent.
The faculty immediately demanded that all existing “sex-for-grades” arrangements be grandfathered in.
Meanwhile, after several decades of research, university scholars recently discovered that alcohol impairs sexual judgment—a phenomenon long known to townies at local dive bars as:
“Beer goggles.”
At Columbia, administrators have gone considerably further.
According to radical feminist studies professor Anita Cause, the entire concept of heterosexual consent may be fundamentally flawed.
“There is no such thing as true female sexual consent under the patriarchy,” Cause explained.
“If a man is physically stronger, has more money, earns more money, has more education or occupies a higher social position than a woman, he possesses power over her. That unequal power dynamic prevents her from freely consenting to sex.”
“What if she is physically stronger, has more money, more education and more power than he does?”
Cause looked disgusted.
“Then why on earth would she want to have sex with him? Ugh!”
Columbia has subsequently banned sexual relationships across virtually all measurable power differences.
Seniors may no longer have sex with juniors, sophomores or freshmen.
Students paying full tuition may not sleep with students receiving financial aid.
Varsity athletes may not have sex with intramural athletes.
Administrators have also clarified that a woman’s consent to sexual activity does not constitute legally binding authorization for future encounters—or even for the original encounter.
The new rules are hitting fraternity houses particularly hard.
Several universities reportedly solved the problem altogether by banning women from entering the house.
According to one demoralized former Cornell fraternity sex fiend, “No females are allowed in the frat house! It’s crazy! My own sister and mother can’t even come in to visit me!”
He shook his head in resignation.
“Oh well. It’s probably for the best. My frat brothers would probably gangbang the sh*t out of them!”
