Satire City, USA — In a rare moment of national unity, 9 out of 10 Americans from across the political spectrum have emphatically agreed that ultra-processed foods are poisoning the country, destroying metabolic health, fueling chronic disease, and literally killing us from the inside out.
The same 9 out of 10 Americans have also emphatically agreed that Doritos are to be exempted from the ban.
The national awakening follows Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr.’s latest push to Make America Healthy Again by targeting ultra-processed foods and requiring greater transparency from food manufacturers.
“Nearly 60 percent of the American diet is made up of ultra-processed food,” Kennedy recently warned while urging Americans to return to real, whole, nutrient-dense food.
The statement was met with widespread bipartisan support until Kennedy clarified that Doritos are also an ultra-processed food.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa,” said Ohio father Jim Palmer while clutching a family-size bag of Cool Ranch to his chest. “When RFK Jr. said chemicals, I assumed he meant chemicals in other people’s food.”
A newly formed consumer group called Citizens for Responsible Nutrition Except During Football Season, has already demanded that Congress create a protected constitutional category for several “Culturally Essential – All American” ultra-processed foods.
The proposed list currently includes:
Doritos, Cheetos, Fried Apple pie, Oreos, Pop-Tarts, Rainbow Skittles and whatever substance constitutes the orange cheese inside a gas-station nacho dispenser.
“This country was founded on freedom,” explained group spokeswoman Patty Flatulent while licking fluorescent orange powder from her fingertips. “Our forefathers did not expel the British so that 250 years later, some bureaucrat could tell me that Nacho Cheese is not a vegetable.”
The bill already has substantial bipartisan support.
Republicans argue Americans have a constitutional right to eat whatever they want and to 3D print Doritos in their garages.
Democrats insist any restrictions on Doritos would disproportionately harm marginalized communities lacking access to artisanal kale chips.
The Democratic Socialist of America (otherwise known as Communists), have demanded violent street demonstrations until Nacho Cheese seasoning is provided free to the masses in community run grocery stores.
