Satire City, VATICAN CITY — After nearly two thousand years of worshipping the Holy Trinity, the Catholic Church has announced it will begin worshipping only the Sun.
The historic theological transition follows Vatican plans for a massive solar-energy installation on Vatican City property north of Rome, part of Pope Leo XIV’s effort to make the world’s smallest sovereign state energy independent.
Responding to outrage from millions of traditional Catholic faithful, Vatican spokesman Monsignor Ray Del Sol impertinently explained, “Calm down, for Christ’s sake, it’s not that big a deal! We’ve been worshipping the Son for two millennia, we’re just changing ONE vowel. Oh, and we’re getting rid of the Father who, if we’re being honest here, is the God of the Jews, who aren’t very popular these days, and the Holy Spirit who after spending years in the seminary I still don’t know who or what that was ever supposed to be…”
The Vatican stressed that the change will require only minor modifications to Catholic doctrine.
Christmas will be moved from the Winter Solstice to the Summer Solstice.
The traditional beginning of Lent, Mardi Gras (Fat Tuesday) will be moved up by two days and renamed Chubby Sunday.
Easter Sunday Mass will however remain on Sunday, which Church officials called “extremely convenient.”
The faithful will continue looking toward heaven, although Vatican theologians are now recommending they wear UV-blocking sunglasses.
The Vatican’s enormous new solar project is expected to generate enough electricity to supply Vatican City and potentially produce surplus power for Italy.
Under the proposed solar doctrine, theologians are considering an additional process known as photosubstantiation, whereby sunlight striking a solar panel becomes electricity, electricity becomes air conditioning, and air conditioning becomes indisputable evidence of a benevolent God during August in Rome.
Senior Cardinal, Sol Aris comfortably relaxing in his air-conditioned office put it this way. “Yes, Jesus died for our sins over 2000 years ago, but what has he done for us lately? We got an electric bill that needs to be paid every month.”
But Vatican officials say solar power is merely Phase One of an even more ambitious plan to achieve complete papal energy independence.
Phase Two will exploit what Church engineers describe as the largest untapped source of renewable energy in the Judeo-Christian universe.
The Vatican announced preliminary negotiations to make a deal with the devil to drill directly into Hell to use geothermal energy to generate electricity.
Vatican energy adviser Father Kelvin Celsius explained, “For thousands of years the church has been warning people if they don’t repent, they’ll end up burning in hell. And for thousands of years, other than satisfaction, there wasn’t anything in it for us. He turns the dial of his AC unit to ‘Max Cool’, smiles broadly and settles into his electric massage chair before continuing, “now there is”.
