Vatican Satire City – It was strange enough when at a papal nativity display, the previous Pope, Francis famously wrapped baby Jesus – born in Judea (pronounced Jew day ah) to Jewish parents (Mary and the God of Abraham , Isaac and Jacob) in a keffiyeh- rebranding the Jewish messiah and Christian savior as a Palestinian.
Now Pope Leo has decided to go ‘all in’ on the Vatican’s support for Iran, condemning President Trump for trying to bring its decades long reign of terror to an end.
Last Saturday, Pope Leo stepped off his golden elevator, wearing his extravagant glittering gold hat and white robe, brandishing his silver and gold staff then told worshippers from the balcony of the gold-gilded multibillion dollar St. Peter’s Basilica, “Enough of the idolatry of self and money!”
Responding to images depicting Donald Trump as Jesus Christ, the Pope said, “Those who claim to speak for God really annoy those of us who DO speak for God!”, while pointing to his big hat.
“Enough of war!’ He shouted in a voice trained to be loud enough for old ladies seated in the back of the room to hear their bingo numbers. The Pope went on to condemn the practice of waging war in the name of religion. “Oh, except for the Crusades and the Inquisition. Those were the good ones.”
In his defense, Trump said the Pope seemed to have “no problem with Iran obtaining nuclear weapons.”
But when asked if the Vatican could just idly sit by while self-proclaimed antisemites and genocidal maniacs make good on their threat to kill over 6 million Jews, the Pope squirmed uncomfortably, shrugged his shoulders and wearily sighed, “Well it’s not like we haven’t done that before…”.
In accordance with the Pope’s declaration that it is no longer acceptable to do battle with evil – the Catholic Church has announced through its newspaper ‘The Holy Herald’ that it will no longer perform exorcisms – preferring “less confrontational and more peaceful ways to coexist with the devil.”
According to Father Giuseppe D. Monic, “In the old days we would spend hours brandishing silver crosses, splashing holy water and chanting incantations to drive the demons from a person’s body. It was so violent and unsanitary what with all the blood and vomit, but now at the Pope’s direction, we spend months negotiating with the devil at a levitating conference table in a 5-star hotel in Qatar about how often and how many cocks our mothers will suck in hell.”
