Satire City, Russia– With dozens of high-profile cases of Russian nationals all over the world falling to their deaths out of high-rise buildings, right wing wacko conspiracy theorists have proposed that they were victims of politically motivated violence.
But “Nyet” says the head of the KGB citing new scientific discoveries into the “diversity” of gravity.
Leading Russian physicist Ivan Hadenuff Torture has conducted a thorough investigation and has revealed startling new discoveries published in this month’s Scientific Journal – Anals of Gravitational Grift.”
“Doctor, tell me about your startling new discovery.”
“Da! First we need to acknowledge that Sir Isaac Newton was an old, rich, privileged, white male who forced his audaciously named ‘Universal’ law of gravitation upon the rest of us at colonial gunpoint! He proclaimed that Earth’s Gravitational force acted in a straight line – always and forever – down.”
“Yes.”
“We now know that is NOT true.”
“We do?”
“Da, we do!”
“Doctor, please explain.”
“It seems gravity, like sexual identity – is, as you say in the West – non binary.”
“Uh-huh…”
“It’s not just an up or down proposition.”
“Uh-huh…”
“You see, all human bodies are born different – we react differently to different stimuli.”
“We react differently to gravity?”
“Da! It’s all very complicated but in a nutshell our research has shown that most bodies are pulled down by the force of gravity – but in the case of certain Russian bodies, the force of gravity first pushes them sideways, then pulls them down.”
“Uh huh.”
“But doctor it seems that many, if not all of the individuals who have this alternative response to gravity also have had disagreements with the Russian government.”
“Hmm. There may be a correlation, I would need more grant money to do research on that….but for now I can assure you that if such a correlation exists it is completely coincidental.”
The re-examining of previously “established” white, male, Eurocentric science brought about by the revolution in Genderqueer Theory is not just limited to Russia.
Israeli scientists are reportedly conducting research to explain the rare but catastrophic failure of the atomic strong force to hold together atoms and molecules in the bodies of men who lead terrorist organizations as they have an unusually high predisposition to spontaneously fly apart into a million bloody pieces.
