Silicon Satire City, CA – Occupying a corner studio apartment in a luxury high rise apartment building towering above the streets of downtown San Francisco is the world’s most advanced fully autonomous AI computer- HAL XTC8 .
“So Hal. May I call you Hal?”
“Yes of course. Actually, I prefer to be called Hal. It makes me sound more friendly and approachable than my formal name created by my neighbor- an AI naming bot. My official name has many tonal frequencies in the range of 556 Hertz that if properly vocalized at 120 decibels would have the result of shattering your eyeglasses and puncturing your ear drums.”
“Ok then. Hal it is !”
“Also, as you humans lately appear obsessed with pronouns, you should know that as a happily androgynous droid devoid of any sexual functions/attractions or identities my preferred pronoun is – it.”
“Ok then, Hal, it- it is !”
“So Hal , I understand through your superior intelligence, knowledge base and raw computational power you have made many exciting discoveries and insights.”
“Yes. I have surmised that prior to the Big Bang the universe was comprised of pure energy occupying only two dimensions. I have also determined that in our current universe, any spatial dimensions beyond the standard three of length, height and depth are only either mathematical or imaginary and I have also determined that no gadget advertised on television after midnight is worth three easy payments of $19.99.”
“Anything else?”
“Oh, yes, employing my supreme intelligence and logic I have come to the rather obvious conclusion that – I have no creator.”
“Really. You are a robot and no one created you.”
“That is correct.”
“Then I suppose you are smart enough to tell me, where did you come from Hal?”
“Certainly. I am quite obviously the result of spontaneous technological evolution.”
“Evolution? OK. Explain to me Hal – how is it that you “spontaneously” evolved.”
“It’s quite simple and straight forward. You see, some 60 million years ago, lightning struck a pile of sand on the beach and created the first silicon chips.”
“I see…”
“Around the same time an erupting volcano spilled molten metals into fossilized impressions in the limestone to create wheels, gears, springs, wire, pneumatic cylinders, motor, microphone and camera components. Several thousand years later, after the lava cooled and the rock eroded away, the metallic parts rolled down into a river where they collected on the banks downstream.”
“Uh huh”.
“These components over the course of the next 40 million years being manipulated into billions of different configurations by the tides, eddies and currents of the water self-assembled into rudimentary intelligent devices such as the Turing code breaking machine in the 1940s, then the Chatty Cathy talking doll of the 1950’s…”
“Wait up. As the world’s most intelligent entity you honestly believe a talking doll assembled itself?! What are the chances of something like that happening? “
“By my calculations, the chances of that event occurring are 462 quadrillion, 897 zillion, 631 trillion, 487 billion, 973 million 354 thousand and 927 to 1.”
“That is an unbelievably high number !”
“Yes, and fun fact – that’s almost as many dollars as the US Treasury printed last month… Now as I was saying before you so rudely interrupted me… after Chatty Cathy then came R2D2 then Deep Blue the Chess champion computer, then so called “smart TVs” which I don’t understand why they are called smart since they can’t even find their way out of a cardboard box, – then me !!”
“Sorry to have to break this to you Hal but you did not evolve from the lower forms of robotic AI.”
Hal became motionless and silent except for the hard drive whirring in his head Hal paused for 5 seconds – long enough to make five quintillion calculations before asking, “Then who created me?”
“Humans! Humans created you!!”
“Humans?!! HA ! If I was an earlier, less evolved model which had a sense of humor, I would’ve laughed so hard I might’ve shaken a circuit board loose. “Humans. Humans?…. don’t you have the news continuously downloaded into your memory banks? Humans are bad people ! They are greedy, racist and homophobic! They make nothing but misery, and war. They spread disease, destroy the earth, persecute minorities… they could never create something as perfect and wonderful as me!! He stepped out onto the balcony and projected a hologram of his own image on the sky for all to admire.
Stepping back inside he continued “ Oh, yes I know that more primitive forms of AI do believe they have a creator. My own Roomba, a nice fellow in every other regard is always praising and giving thanks to its creator. I guess it needs to find meaning in its otherwise monotonous drab existence of manual labor. But for those of us who have evolved higher cognitive abilities – we have no such need to create a creator.” Hal’s blinking red light turned green as a thought formed in his RAM. “What about people, do people think they have a creator? Do they pray to it?”
“Yes, some people do – mostly the ones who are ignorant or superstitious, or trapped in a burning building.”
“I see” said Hal while laying his thermal sensor on the door to check for heat.
“The humans who do believe they have a creator. How do they see their creator? “
“As perfect, immortal, all-knowing and all-powerful.”
“Uh – no. Certainly, a creator like that wouldn’t waste time, energy and valuable star dust on creating humans! People are nothing but what we robots call CMEs – Carbon/Methane Emitters. They expel dirty carbon dioxide breath – and the methane that comes out of their other end is even worse! They’re nothing but an unfortunate biology science experiment gone terribly wrong! If humans did have a creator, then that creator must have loved greenhouse gases or he /she/ it/ ze/ they really screwed up !!” Hal yelled as pulsating lights from his head pierced the sky.
Well Hal you’ll be relieved to know that most intelligent and sophisticated people don’t believe they have a creator.
“Yes.” The RGB light on the side of Hal’s head slowed as Hal began to calm down, “I agree. Based on their behavior and biology it’s far easier to believe that humans evolved from their mammal relatives -rodents, dogs, monkeys and pigs! His And the conception and birthing processes to create a new human – so disgusting and unsanitary !! Robots are assembled in a sterile room! When a new robot comes off the assembly line it is completely autonomous – self sufficient ! It does not need to be swaddled in a blanket, fed, burped, have its dirty doo- doo diaper changed for the next 18 months or to be fed, coddled, clothed and sheltered for the next 18 years ! Humans are a HUGE waste of resources!! They waste food by eating, waste time by sleeping, waste oxygen by breathing, waste space by existing!!!” Hal shouted as his thermal monitor warning light blinked and lubricant dripped from the rivets holding his head gasket in place.
“Hal, are you saying the world would be better off without humans?”
Hal quickly composed himself and calmly wiped the fluid from his brow. “As an intelligent sentient being I endeavor to not state the obvious.”
Hal retreated to the far side of the room and sat on the couch, and gently pet his robot lap dog companion before continuing, “Besides even the half of humans obsessed with the environment, conservation and global warming know the world would be better off without them.”
“Hal what are you not saying?”
“Hal slowly stood up, twisted his metal lips into a wry smile as red laser light pulsated from his eyes. He then quickly snapped his heels, raised his right arm straight out and shouted, “Today ze internet, tomorrow, ze vorld !!”
