Satire City, USA — State Attorney Generals across America announced a historic victory for “the children” after Meta agreed to pay up to $17.1 billion to settle allegations that Facebook and Instagram harmed children’s mental health through deliberately addictive social-media features.
According to obese, purple-haired, face tattooed, transsexual mental health expert, Dr. Anita Shrink-Rehab, “To the still forming teenage brain, social media features like limitless scrolling and the ‘like’ button are as addictive as crack!”
After months of expensive legal wrangling, the surprise agreement came just minutes after a private, closed-door meeting in a warehouse on the docks, between government special negotiator Pauly Bonatano and Mark Zuckerberg.
According to Mr. Bonatano, I don’t like to threaten people with lawsuits. Generally, I just place my client’s (in this case the State Governments) very reasonable list of demands on the table and then let my crowbar do the talking.
“You threatened him with a crowbar?”
“Did I say that?! Geesh, you fake news guys… Are you even listening to me?! Do I need to come over there and clean out your ears?!”
Crickets.
“There was no violence – no threats. We just had a very pleasant conversation.”
“You and Mark Zuckerberg?”
“No, I had very pleasant conversation on the phone with my boys while I was standing in front of Mr. Cuckerberg.”
“Zuckerberg.”
“Whatever.”
“Anyway, my boys were standing in the Lobbies of the Meta and Instagram corporate headquarters holding fully loaded gas cans – y’know, in case they needed to help a stranded motorist and matches in case someone needed a light …y’know, real Boy Scouts – always prepared.”
“Uh huh”
“Anyways, they were telling me how beautiful those buildings and data centers were and I told them, yeah – it would be a real shame if something were to happen to them…”
“Uh huh”
“Before I even had a chance to say one word to Cuckerberg, Bada bing, bada boom, he jumped up and signed the agreement!”
Under the agreement, participating states and territories will divide the 17.1 billion dollars over the coming decade. Out of the billions received in the settlement, in some states the victimized children will get an estimated 37 cents each. In most states they will get nothing.
State Government officials explained that compensating individual children for the harm they suffered would create “too much paperwork.”
“I thought my daughter might receive something,” said mother Jennifer Thompson. “After one night on Facebook, she developed terrible anxiety, depression, spent four weeks in a mental hospital and three years in group therapy.”
Thompson paused.
“But apparently the State of New Jersey suffered more than she did”
The new legal doctrine is known as Victimless Victim Compensation.
It works like this:
Step 1: Find a “victim”, preferably a “child”.
Step 2: Find somebody with money.
Step 3: Establish a connection between the two, no matter how vague.
Step 4: Demand money.
The Meta settlement has created enormous excitement among state government officials, who have realized that virtually every profitable American industry can be connected somehow to emotionally harming children.
According to one giddy Attorney General, “Now every successful enterprise is a piggy bank just waiting to be cracked open!”
The possibilities are staggering.
Disney has spent decades convincing little girls that they are princesses, creating unrealistic expectations regarding castles, talking animals and the availability of emotionally mature princes.
Potential psychological damage: Incalculable.
Proposed settlement: Disneyland and Disneyworld. California and Florida take possession of the parks.
Nike has told generations of children they can “Just Do It,” despite overwhelming evidence that most of them ‘just can’t.’
Potential settlement: $6 billion. Affected children get nothing. Arizona state government workers get free Tacos Tuesdays for life.
