Satire City, The Moon — Eager to spread his authority beyond Starbase, Texas, Trillionaire Elon Musk officially closed a deal to purchase the Moon today for an undisclosed sum (rumored to be “a few hundred million Dogecoins and a lifetime supply of Cybertrucks”), then (as developer and self-proclaimed, “HOA President, Galactic and Lunatic Overlord”), immediately formed the Lunar Homeowners Association (LunHOA) to “protect property values and stop the riff-raff from turning the Sea of Tranquility into a trailer park.”
The new LunHOA covenants, enforced by an army of Optimus robots running Grok 4, are stricter than a woke California school board on a power trip:
• Exterior aesthetics: All lunar domes and habitats must be painted Cybertruck Stainless Steel or Starlink Black. Solar arrays must be perfectly aligned — “Your misaligned panels are ruining the view of Earth for the rest of us, Chad.”
• Noise ordinances: No Starship static fire tests or rocket launches after 9 PM, Earth Standard Time.
• Vehicle rules: Only Full Self-Driving Tesla Roadsters and Cybertrucks are allowed in the driveways. Traditional rovers are banned as “legacy tech” and will be towed to the dark side at owners expense.
• Pet policy: Dogs are welcome (especially Floki), but they must wear pressure suits. Cats are prohibited after one tried to knock a $2.3 billion rocket off its mount.
• Terraforming clause: The enforcer robots don’t care if you “can’t breathe”. There is to be no unauthorized atmosphere creation.
Conspiracy theorists on Earth are already claiming the whole purchase is a cover for a ‘secret’ Mars colonization launchpad. Musk replied: “That’s exactly what it is you idiots! If it was secret you wouldn’t be tweeting about it on X from your iPhones connected to Starlink!”
Early reviews from the first wave of colonists are glowing. “The WiFi is insane,” said one early buyer. “But the HOA meeting about what specific type of photovoltaic grass we can put on our lawn went on for four hours in 1/6th gravity. I’m exhausted!”
