Satire City, DC – In the history of the world, nothing has done more to motivate millions of Democrats and other godless leftists to pray to God almighty for salvation than the impending return of Donald Trump to the White House.
According to a statement released by God’s official spokesperson on their verified, blue checked X account “God is not only surprised to hear from the formerly faithless throngs but is shocked and a bit disturbed by the things they are praying for.”
“Oh God please don’t let President Trump deport illegal alien murderers and rapists.”
“God, please don’t let the mean orange man deport foreign students whose only crime was to threaten, harass and call for the genocide of your chosen people.”
“Please God, please don’t let evil President Trump take away my right to kill my baby!”
The multitude and sincerity of these twisted prayers has led God to make his first public declaration since giving the Ten Commandments to Moses on Mount Sinai.
“To those of you who have never prayed to me before, especially those of you in Canada – a place I have never even heard of until last week, don’t start now! As my son Mr. Trump, the returning President and de facto Savior of at least the United States so eloquently stated on a recent unhinged Truth Social rant, – if you don’t do what he asks there will be ‘hell to pay’! ”
The Vatican has been forced to issue a statement clarifying what God meant. According to a Spokesman for Pope Benedict Arnold, “Uh, God means to say that while he condemns the sins, he loves the baby killing, fornicating rainbow clad sinners! As a matter of fact, God has taken a cue from outgoing President Joe Biden and has forgiven all – all except the biggest sinner of all – Donald J. Trump! Who we most certainly do NOT recognize as the Messiah and will only grudgingly recognize as President of the United States after he takes the oath of office with his hand on a bible that somehow manages to NOT burst into flames!”
