Satire City, Minnesota — After federal agents (whom she tried to defund) raided her home and took boxes of paperwork rumored to include her original Somali birth certificate and a marriage license for her and her brother, Rep. Ilhan Omar (D-Minn.) declared that any questions about her immigration history are “rooted in bigotry” and that she is, in fact, “as American as goat sambusa pie.”
The ongoing investigation, which has also generated subpoenas to all known relatives that she may or may not have previously married, centers on longstanding allegations that her late father adjusted her birth date on immigration forms so she could qualify as a minor for citizenship, that her staff later attempted to reconcile conflicting dates across documents, and that she married her brother so he could gain legal immigrant status to what she considers to be “the most racist country on the planet.”
Unfortunately for Ilhan Omar, marrying a sibling (while practically a prerequisite for holding office in West Virginia) would disqualify her from serving in public office in Minnesota and 48 other states.
An anonymous source—the kind usually cited only to smear Republicans—claimed that after spending the night in the honeymoon suite with her new husband, Omar confided:
“He ain’t heavy, he’s my brother.”
In her own defense, she shouted to reporters on her lawn, “Hey, it’s not like my brother was my first choice! I wanted to marry Osama bin Laden, but he already had three wives, two sheep mistresses and no one knew where he was! All my other potential marriage partners were either incarcerated in Guantanamo, busy beheading infidels in the Middle East or on the no-fly list.”
She initially issued the statement, “I am a proud citizen of Death to America!”
Her office clarified that, as a consequence of growing up in Somalia, the Minnesota representative has trouble saying the word “America” without the words “Death to” in front of it.
To prove her patriotic fervor, she then broke into a rousing version of the song she used to sing as a schoolgirl in Somalia: “Death to America! Land that I love… to set on fire…”
After re-establishing her all-American image, she loudly cackled, “I’m the victim of a witch hunt!” as she stuck a thick, long pin into the crotch of a Trump voodoo doll. “This investigation is politically motivated!! I know what’s going on here, I wasn’t born yesterday!”
That statement, however, seemed to contradict her official website, where her staff once again changed her birth date in the hopes that the DOJ wouldn’t criminally prosecute a one-day-old.
