Satire City, ON- After US Secretary of War Pete Hegseth posted a picture of a rather rotund Canadian military officer with the caption, “This is real.” The usually cool-headed and cool-everything-elsed Canadians went into an apoplectic meltdown.
Prime Minister Carney was quick to rush to the Obese Officer’s defense saying they were “the very embodiment of the huge, immense expanse that IS Canada.” He also clarified that the Canadian military lets its soldiers identify as “whatever they want” and that “this particular soldier was well within normal weight range for their identity as a non-binary Water Buffalo.”
Millions of ordinary Canadians (as if there were any other kind) have also been compelled to rally around the Super-Sized Soldier – drawn in by either their misguided sense of national pride or by the soldier’s gravitational pull.
The organization known as CHOW — Canadians Honoring Overweight Warriors, has condemned Hegseth for ‘Fat Shaming’ a member of their armed forces.
The Secretary’s office was quick to point out that he did NOT ‘fat shame’ the Canadian officer though quickly added that he DID think it was “a shame that she was so fat.”
Knowing that Canada lacked the resources to handle this officer stranded on land so far inland, Hegseth also generously offered the services of a US military cargo helicopter to lift her to the coast where a US destroyer could safely escort her out into the open ocean.
Renowned Damnford University Military History expert, Professor Warren Peace also weighed in on the well-fed warrior. “I’m just unimpressed with her military record. I mean, she has clearly lost the battle of the bulge.” Although he eventually conceded that a soldier like her could have helped win the Civil War battle of Hippopattomax.
According to Canadian Major General Hugh Jass, “We’ve been beefing up our soldiers for years offering unlimited portions of Canadian Bacon and bottomless jugs of Maple Syrup. As a matter of fact, our recruitment offices have literally been stampeded since we changed our motto to – Be All That You Can Eat.”
Recently unclassified documents reveal that Canadian Military uniforms come in larger sizes than the US military has ever used including 4XL, 5XL and “Manitoba”.
“As a matter of fact, we now have the largest military in the world – by weight. China has a million soldiers that weigh 100 pounds each. We have over 100,000 soldiers that weigh 1000 pounds each!
Reportedly, the US is covertly experimenting with its own Heavy Infantry. According to preliminary Pentagon simulations, approximately 640 strategically positioned obese soldiers (code named the Broader Border Battalion), could theoretically seal the southern border near El Paso – that is until somebody smells barbecue.
