Satire City, N.C. — Miss North Carolina USA Brittany Boltinhouse has been stripped of her crown after pageant officials revealed that she repeatedly used an offensive and completely unacceptable “N-word,” although officials have steadfastly refused to tell Americans which N-word it was.
“We have zero tolerance for the N-word,” said a Miss USA spokesperson.
“Which one?”
“You know.”
“No, actually. That’s why we’re asking.”
“We can’t say it! We’ll lose everything too!”
“Whatever the word is , it’s just a word. Allegedly, all she did was tweet the offensive ‘N word’ 9 years ago when she was just a teenager, couldn’t you give her some slack?”
“No! Our policy is ZERO tolerance! We once disqualified a contestant because her nanny divulged that when she was a toddler, her first word, was the N word.”
The controversy has plunged the nation into its most serious vocabulary crisis since Merriam-Webster added irregardless to the dictionary.
To find the offending N – word we contacted the President of WAAH (Words Are Actually Harmful), Dr. Anita Trigger.
“Dr. Trigger, tell us about your organization.”
“Well, we are peace-loving, inclusive individuals who believe that ‘sticks and stones may break our bones, but words will offend us so much we will froth at the mouth, form an angry mob, hunt you down and ruin your life!”
“Is one of those offensive words the N word?”
“Yes, yes, that’s a big one.”
“Doctor. Can you tell us what the N word is?”
“No.”
“No is the N word?”
“No, no is AN N word but it’s not THE N word.”
“What is THE N word?”
“Y’know…”
“No, we don’t know. That’s why we’re asking.”
“I can’t tell you. It is forbidden to speak it!”
“Well then how will we know if we ever say it?”
“Oh, trust me, you’ll know… my head and the heads of tens of thousands of Internet troll WAAH members will explode! Soon after, you, your family and your employer will receive thousands of obscene, hateful and threatening messages, you won’t have a job and the world will be safe for democracy!”
“Dr. Trigger are you aware the winner of the Miss North Carolina USA pageant, was forced to relinquish her crown for allegedly using the N word?”
“Yes! She deserves worse, that salope!, excuse my French…”
“I thought you’re supposed to say ‘Excuse my French’ after you say a bad word in English.”
“Usually yes, but I can’t say THAT word in English.”
“Why not?”
“It’s the B word.”
