Satire City, PRC — China this week reaffirmed that its latest artificial intelligence assistant, SeekDeep will remain completely free for consumers, provided users first accept a routine 427-page End User License Agreement, electronically sign 37 government acknowledgments, in triplicate, in blood, and consent to what company officials described as “the standard organ donation and family employment clauses.”
Technology analysts praised the move as yet another example of China’s determination to bring AI to the masses and compete with Western AI companies by dramatically reducing costs while expanding what lawyers call “creative definitions of voluntary participation.”
“We wanted to remove every possible barrier to adoption,” explained company spokesperson Yu Wan It Bad Lee during a press briefing. “No subscription fees. No premium tier. No hidden charges. Only the ordinary administrative paperwork associated with unrestricted access to advanced artificial intelligence.”
Western Attorney chatbots have discovered that the first 112 pages of the agreement reportedly concern acceptable chatbot etiquette and prohibited discussions regarding historical or current events that definitely never happened, are not happening and could never happen, including but not limited to any references to to the Cultural Revolution, the one child policy, Tiananmen Square, Uigur concentration camps or child labor sweatshops.
The remaining pages cover “fairly routine administrative matters,” including permanent access to user location at all times, biometric information such as fingerprints, retinal scan and DNA genome, perpetual ownership of every prompt ever typed, permission to use future descendants or users’ clones for computer or military hardware testing, and a voluntary family employment assistance program that automatically assigns first, second and third degree relatives to strategically important manufacturing or military jobs.
A footnote clarifies that “voluntary” should be interpreted according to the official CCCP government definition, which differs slightly from the western dictionary.
Privacy advocates expressed concern after discovering that declining the terms automatically opens a survey asking users to explain why they harbor “anti-progress attitudes.” Users selecting “Privacy Concerns” are referred to an exclusive, reclusive ‘spa’ for helpful re-educational videos to view from the comfort of a private bamboo cage.
Users selecting “Other” reportedly disappear from the survey – and the face of the earth.
Thankfully, 99.9% of users just speed scroll through the fine print and click “Accept” in under four seconds.
After seeing the success of this business model, Western AI technology companies such as CratGPT, Maude and Crok are considering their own organ harvesting and slave labor requirements in addition to the monthly fee.
One Silicon Valley executive, speaking anonymously because his legal department was standing behind him making throat-cutting gestures, admitted, “The Chinese are brilliant! We are having to play catch up with the whole ‘gulag thing’. We’re honestly embarrassed we never thought to generate power for our AI data centers by having our end users pedal stationary bicycles until they drop dead and are replaced by their children.”
