Satire City, FL — Employees at the Weather Channel and National Hurricane Center are reportedly struggling to remain productive after the Atlantic Ocean inexplicably stopped providing them with hurricanes to track.
The Atlantic has so far produced a grand total of ZERO hurricanes this season leaving forecasters with nothing to do but worry about keeping their jobs.
According to NHC senior hurricane specialist Chip Isobar, “Mid-September is the peak of the hurricane season. Ordinarily at this time we’d be tracking dozens of Category 3, 4 or 5 Hurricanes, dispatching Hurricane hunter planes, drawing projection cones on maps and alternate between hyperventilating and putting our heads between our knees to kiss our asses goodbye.” He stopped to catch his breath, “but this year, nothing.”
“So, what are you doing these days?”
“Well, we’ve been taking long bathroom breaks to watch the toilet water swirl as it’s only rotational activity we’ve seen this season. Then we play Wordle and Meowdoku for a few hours before taking a long lunch with the Maytag Repairman.”
According to the manager of a Florida beachside Home Depot store, “Usually, this time of year we’d be packed, making money hand over fist! We’d have desperate mobs of people swinging two by fours at each other in the aisles as they battle for the last piece of plywood or bottle of water.” He wiped a tear from his eye, “Those were the good old days…” He sighed before continuing, “This year we have one old lady in the garden center peacefully picking out marked down petunias. It’s sad…”
At one beachside local bar, longtime resident and bartender Hugh R.Tipsy, said, “Every other year we’d be doing brisk business hosting hurricane parties for drunken idiots who ignore evacuation orders, but this year we’re doing brisk business with just regular drunken idiots.”
President Trump is not surprisingly taking personal credit for the lack of hurricanes this season.
“Biden used to let them come right into our country. Nobody stopped them.”
He continued, “Not on my watch! Storms with names like Maria and Alberto aren’t even trying to get into the US this year!”
Trump said his administration had sent a clear message to the hurricanes throughout the tropical Atlantic:
“DO NOT COME! And they’re not coming,” Trump continued, “Not one hurricane. Zero.”
Asked what would happen if a hurricane actually did made landfall, Trump was unequivocal.
“Immediate deportation – back across the Atlantic.”
Immigration officials weren’t sure how they would deport a 400-mile-wide rotating atmospheric system but made it clear they would be dispatching thousands of ICE agents to the affected area and beating the crap out of anyone who tried to stop them from trying.
Democratic strategists have expressed mixed feelings about the hurricane shortage.
Historically, a major natural disaster during a Republican administration provides democrats with valuable opportunities (not to do anything to actually help the storm ravaged communities), but to criticize the Republican federal response and fantasize about how they would have done much better if they were in power.
One democratic strategist did however find a silver lining to the situation.
“Something is aborting the hurricanes before they are born so of course, we are very much in favor of that…”
