Washington, D.C. – In what can only be described as a major victory for those who would rather do anything than their job while they are supposed to be working, the Supreme Court has ruled that a Public High School football coach who was presumably hired to coach football – has the constitutional right to take a knee and publicly pray after the game while still on the playing field, while still on his employer’s time and still on the taxpayer’s dime.
But it’s not just the virtue signaling bible bangers who are happy about this decision. Many professional athletes are thrilled that they too are free to take a knee on the field to practice their religion – publicly hating America.
Satanists (formerly known as devil worshippers until that name somehow got a bad rap) claim that if this decision legalizes publicly praying to God, it must also legalize publicly praying to the Devil and public consensual human sacrifice.
Prayer in the workplace has been a staple in America for decades but had previously been limited to people:
1 – praying that their coworkers didn’t eat their lunch stored in the communal fridge.
2 – praying for bladder and rectal sphincter control to get through the day without having to go to the communal office bathroom and be overpowered by the stench of “shitrus”.
3 – praying that the vitality, youth and life being thrown away 8 hours at a time monotonously slaving away at work for a paltry paycheck and benefits would be rewarded by a comfortable retirement (or at least a quick and painless death).
All these workplace prayers were done in private and in silence. No one knew anyone was praying…not even God…
But now that making an employer sponsored public show of private worship is a constitutional right, workers everywhere are suddenly becoming deeply, publicly and demandingly religious.
“I knew it !! My employer infringed upon my constitutional rights 5 days a week, eight hours a day.” said Manny a 38 year old truck driver. “Just last week I was unfairly fired for exercising my sacred constitutional right to adhere to my religious practices while at work.”
Manny went on to share his painful personal story of religious persecution while on the job.
“My job is to drive a truck and make package deliveries, but my religious beliefs require me to pray to the ancient Albumian God of fat people… I mean people of size… and take my truck through the Taco stand drive thru to get me some Gorditas, wash them down with a bottle or two of sacrament wine, recline the seat all the way back so I may present my face skyward toward the heavens and then take a ritual, spiritually cleansing three hour nap in the parking lot before awakening with a stomach gurgling start and quickly heading inside (all the while fervently praying to Rayomorus -the God of vacant porcelain) that there will be an open stall in the bathroom so I may proceed with the ritual colon cleansing. “
“So after a month of doing this every day, last week my boss catches me asleep in the truck littered with taco wrappers and empty wine bottles . He fired me for being a “drunken, lazy slob” – completely misinterpreting my daily, constitutionally protected spiritual act of faith. I’m gonna sue !!”
Fortunately not all employers are bigoted, regressive and repressive Capitalists.
Some office workplaces are actually embracing the new ruling.
As they will no longer be allowed to prohibit employees from communicating with God, they are having their IT departments add God to their corporate e mail and Teams lists. That way your employer can at least monitor what you’re saying to God and make sure you don’t violate any corporate rules of hate speech, or use threatening, racist, sexist or otherwise offensive language as most corporate rules of conduct are far more stringent than God’s rules.
In the meantime, the Supreme Court’s Reign or “Right”eousness looks like it will continue as more leaked opinion papers suggest the Court is ready to declare the burning of witches to be constitutional and that the natural born citizen requirement can be waived if God himself wants to run for President.
