Satire City, DC – After decades of battling over immigration policy and letting tens of millions of illegal aliens across the border, a solution has finally been found!
In a stunning bi-partisan move, Congress has unanimously passed a sweeping immigration reform bill which both parties are touting as a victory! Republicans and Democrats are warmly embracing and wildly celebrating the passage of the Special Labor And Visa Exemption (SLAVE) Act.
Under the provisions of this law, any non-US citizens who enter the United States will immediately start working for their Managing American SLAVE Titleholder and Employer of Record (MASTER).
Republicans say they closed the pathway to citizenship previously allowed by DACA while maintaining access to cheap labor and Democrats are boasting that they have maintained their wide-open border policy.
And to make sure the Supreme Court doesn’t mess things up, both parties have joined forces to revoke the 13th amendment.
According to house Majority leader Mike Johnson, “Oh man, we should have thought of this years ago… with over 7 billion non-American citizens in the world, there is an essentially inexhaustible supply of potential SLAVEs.”
Senate Majority Leader Schmuck Chumer explains that “mass importation of SLAVEs means Americans will have more freedom! Freedom to sit on the couch and binge watch Netflix while SLAVEs do all our work for us!”
Dr. Jill Biden wasted no time in freeing herself from the drudgery of caring for the forgotten and forsaken current President, Joe Biden, who is now tended by hundreds of SLAVES who feed him his oatmeal, wipe the drool from his chin, wheel him around the Oval Office, change his diaper and pick his cotton and tobacco crops from his newly expanded 500 acre Rose Garden.
According to one staffer, “The damn White House looks like Tara!”
As surprising as this legislation is, no one was caught more by surprise than the thousands of Canadian, Asian and European tourists hijacked from sightseeing buses in Manhattan and driven away in chains to plantations and munitions factories.
Leading economist Friedrich Labor says, “Slavery will energize the US economy, erase the deficit and enrich every American citizen.”
According to Kamala Harris, “The resurrection of slavery shows us what can be, unburdened by what has been.”
Donald Trump said, “ The resurrection of slavery is the greatest thing to happen to America since the original round of slavery.”
When asked how the Congressional Black Caucus could support the reinstitution of slavery, member Maxine Waters said, “We never objected to slavery – we objected to being slaves!”
Strangely enough, it seems impossible to find anyone who opposes the new form of slavery.
According to one newly minted SLAVE from the Caribbean – “Back in Haiti, human life has no value – but here in the United States, I KNOW my life has value ! My MASTER just paid $46.87 for me at auction!” Wiping tears of joy, relief and gratitude from her eyes she continued, “Not only did he pay for me, he’s gonna give me a job, a safe place to live, and three meals a day! It’s like a dream come true! God bless America!”
