Satire City, Nepal – This season (as in the past umpteen seasons) people have been dying at an alarming rate while climbing Mount Everest. Some say it might have to do with the local Department of Tourism slogan, “Dying for adventure? Come to Mount Everest!”
Most others however attribute the increasing death count to the fact that not only do people have to climb the mountain, they now have to climb over hundreds of dead bodies ON the mountain. In fact, the Natural Geographic Society recently had to revise the height of Mount Everest from 29,029 feet to 29,578 feet to account for the pile of bodies on the summit.
Meanwhile on the other side of the world, earlier this week after the Grand Canyon suffered its sixth reported death in less than a month – the National Park Service has closed the canyon by stringing up 554 miles of yellow “DO NOT ENTER’ tape lining the north and south rim.
According to Park Ranger Cliff B. Killinghem, “We had no choice. Young people are going over the edge in record numbers.”
“Why, why are they jumping?”
“Oh, they’re not jumping, they’re falling. In the old days, before everyone in the world was on psychiatric medication – we used to have a few dozen depressed jumpers, but now we have hundreds of fallers who are just trying to show the world how happy they are.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, these days, almost everyone who goes over the edge is a social media influencer. They smile and laugh as they excitedly climb over the railing in tights, athletic shorts or superhero capes, then they make sure the lighting is just perfect before making a duck face and holding up a ‘V’ sign with their fingers under their chin.”
“Sounds like fun.”
“Yeah, but when their other hand lets go of the railing to point and click their phone for the perfect selfie – they fall.”
“Horrible! So, they’re not trying to kill themselves?”
“It sure looks like they are, but no, from the shrill screams you can tell they’re genuinely surprised when they tumble down the cliff to their violent and painful death – even if no one else is…”
“How can these deaths be prevented?
“Well first off, colleges might want to spend less time teaching young people about social justice and more time teaching them about gravity.”
“Anything else?”
“Well, we could let nature take its course and in a few hundred years no one will be able to fall to their deaths anymore.”
“Because the canyon walls will erode making it all level?”
“No, because the canyon will be filled to the brim with bodies.”
In order to prevent future tragedies at both the Grand Canyon and Mount Everest, the state of Arizona and country of Nepal have worked out a unique solution to both of their problems.
In a bold plan scientifically dubbed, ‘geo-relocation’ – they have agreed to move Mount Everest to the Arizona desert, flip it upside down and ‘fill in’ the Grand Canyon. Thus, two of the seven awe inspiring natural wonders of the world will be eliminated because of another jaw dropping wonder of the world – the stupidity of its inhabitants.
They say this plan (which is being lauded by ‘flat-earthers’) – will save the lives of countless (other) morons.
But not everyone is happy about the plan.
According to one social media star – Gen Z adventure traveler, Ivana Die Young, (whose Instagram page is filled with duck-faced selfies taken from the tops of cell towers), “Mount Everest and the Grand Canyon were at the top of my ‘how to kick the bucket’ list. How am I supposed to kill myself now?!”
Another despondent adrenaline junkie influencer lamented, “It isn’t fair! I’m not some billionaire thrill seeker! I can’t afford to kill myself in a deep-sea submersible or by piloting my own experimental aircraft!”
Yet another posted, “Guess I’ll just have to stick to dirt biking, off road ATV racing and lion den diving.”
